08 March 2006

Dummies Guide to Hogging the Road

Road hogging is a Malaysian specialty. It's not restricted to just us Malaysians, but we do it best. No one even comes close to touching us on the matter of road hogs. Malaysia Boleh !!

How is it that we do this so well is a little beyond me. Moz not mind reader. However, if you want to excel at hogging roads, there are some simple, achievable tips for you:

Essential Road Hog Behaviour Guide
Recommended Speed: 20 - 40 km/h, depending on road condition, traffic condition and oncoming traffic.
Recommended Face Skin Thickness: Very Thick. Better still if your head is all skin and no brain.
Recommended In Car Music: Dondang Sayang. Very loudly, so you can pretend you can't hear the honks.
Recommended Look: Deer Staring into the headlights look.
Recommended Car: Expensive. Better still if you have Ahmad.

Tip #1: Location, location, location
Malaysia is perfect for road hogs, since the first rule of road hogging is this: You need a narrow road

So you need a narrow road. Better still if opportunity to overtaking is NIL. If it's a one way street in the middle of Melaka, you've found it. If it's a narrow trunk road between towns in the middle of nowhere, you've found it. If you're driving on a narrow lane up Fraser's Hill, you've found it. We have plenty of these roads, do we not?

Why does it matter? Because narrow roads make it hard to overtake, thus amplifying your hogging effect.

Tip #2: Traffic Flow is important too
Another key road hogging factor is: Works best when opposite traffic flow is heavy

If you attempt to hog the road when opposite traffic flow is light or non-existant, the end result is that you look like a fool. Believe me, you do. Try doing 20 km/h when you're driving on a road with NO traffic from the opposing direction. The other cars that come along will simply zip pass you, overtaking like a hot knive cutting thru butter.

So make sure you drive slowly and hog the road only when you have heavy oncoming traffic. Perfect places are like roads leading out from constructions sites (lots of lorries), rubbish dumps (lots of lorries), and JPJ Road Testing Centers (lots of drivers being tested). Most trunk roads are also good.

It makes it doubly infuriating when you hog the road only when your victims have no way to overtake you.

Tip #3: Make of car is important too
To increase the effect of road hogging: Drive impossibly expensive car where possible

When a Kancil hogs the road, when an ought-to-be-scrapped Datsun 120Y or when an antiquated car hogs the road, some people don't take it as badly as they would when, say, a Porsche 911 is hogging the road.

Can't quite explain this, but if you drive a car that's either (a) 2 litre and above or (b) impossibly expensive, the road hog effect increases.

Good cars to drive when road hogging includes: any make or model of BMW, Mercedes-Benz and Lexus, high-end Japanese models. It just seems that the impression is that if you have a big, flashly, expensive ride, you'll wanna push the pedal to the metal.

Tip #4: Cooperate where it makes sense
When you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Road hoggers united makes good effect !!

Imagine this ... there's a road hog already hogging the left lane. Actually, there's nothing wrong with that on a 2 lane road. It might take a little longer, but cars will get past on the right lane eventually.

So, in this situation, what to do? Why of course - cooperate. Why only one hogger and only on the left lane? You should immediately move to the right lane and hog traffic there too. In fact, you should drive shoulder-to-shoulder with the left lane hogger - it's a sign of solidarity !!

Tip #5: Take the path in the middle
No - this is not Buddishism class. The middle path here is litteral - no philosophical. Drive in the middle of the road

So you're driving on a two lane road. There's no other road hoggers you're aware of. Oncoming traffic is somewhat heavy. But it's a two lane road ... so how ?

Drive the car so that half is on the left lane, and half on the right lane. Stay that way. And maybe steer just teeny weeny bits to the left or right every once in a while. Just to make it that much more harder for the car behind to pass you.

So there ... tips for the road hogs. Keep it up guys, I'm so indebted to you folks because without road hogs, I would probably be accelerating so much I'd be pokai from all the petrol I need to pump every week.

5 comments:

Fat4 said...

really good :) might pan out to be a classic :)

cheng sim said...

hey, Dondang Sayang is my favourite song. don't insult my favourite song. hahaha. kidding. no lah. tipu only. *pause* really leh. pulling u leg only lah. oy, really lah.

then again, i'll read this entry again once i got my license. read now then later forget.

moz monster said...

fat4: OMG !!! It's you !!! *rolls red carpet* ... hey ... drop by more often ..

cheng sim: This should be part of your undang test ... memorize it =)

Sheena said...

Hilarious!

Might pick up a few tips from here, just for kicks. Drivers in Miri will forever be indebted to you!

Seriously, though, a taxi driver cum volunteer ambulance driver (tell me why that is NOT reassuring, despite the good-hearted intention?) once told me the best way to maneuver an ambulance in rush-hour traffic was by driving in the middle of the road. Supposedly easier to go through.

moz monster said...

sheena: You'll have to adjust for Miri ... the music can't be Dondang Sayang anymore =)