19 March 2006

Commenwealth Games: Events that Malaysia Would Win If They Ever Exist In the First Place ...

Driving past the Bukit Jalil Commonwealth Games complex today, I thought of the time when Malaysia was hosting the Commonwealth Games. It wasn't all that long - just about 8 years ago.

The roar had died down, the stadiums have since stopped become a novelty and turned into concert venues. Quite a bit has changed.

But enough about the sentimental stuff - I was actually thinking about some pretty big what if's ... what would have been some events that Malaysians would probably be winning if the events even existed at all.

Here are some pickings:

Pack and Run
You have to pack a bag full with goods (CDs, DVDs, watches, t-shirts, etc), close the bag properly, then run 500 meters with the bag. Whoever records the shortest time wins.

You can't drop the bag or drop the goods in the bag.

How come Malaysians would win this: Petaling Street, SS2, Your Local Night Market - all these places are a potent breeding ground for talented individuals in this event (i.e. pirated goods peddler). They get regular practice - everytime enforcement officers turn up, the peddlers will have to pack and run helter skelter for their lifes. No wonder most peddlers look trim and fit.

Potential Competition: Hong Kong has Temple Street and other street markets as well, so they won't do too badly.

Rubbish Throwing
You have to throw small pieces of rubbish on a busy street without getting spotted. Things like cigarrette butt, pieces of paper, food wrapper and unwanted receipts are all valid objects you can throw.

There will be 3 judges walking up and down the street looking out for contestants who throw rubbish. Once spotted, you lose. The last contestant to be spotted wins.

How come Malaysians would win this: Malaysians are born with an allergy to the rubbish bin. We can't throw rubbish where we should - but the law won't allow that - the law says we've got to dispose rubbish properly. So how? Throw and make a selamba face lah ... pretend all is well ... divert attention away by looking in one direction and throwing in another ... put rubbish in a clenched fist next to hand and simply let go while walking ... we know all the tricks, man.

Potential Competition: No real threat from other countries because unlike Malaysians, allergy to rubbish bin is highly unusual.

Missing the pee target
This is a men's only event - not because it's sexist - just because ... hey ... you REALLY don't know? Maybe you shouldn't be reading this blog then ...

OK, the idea is to pee and miss the target real badly. And you have to actually TRY to hit the target.

How come Malaysians would win this: No scientific explanation. Heck, there's no real explanation. But the state of our public toilets would suggest we're a nation that have trouble hitting the target.

Potential Competition: Again, we're waaaay ahead in this department. No sweat. We can almost send just about anyone who has a MyKad and will probably come back with a Gold Medal.

Buffet Food Hogging
In this event, a buffet spread is set up. There will be many dishes, but only limited plates. The objective is to grab as much food as possible onto a single plate, then run back to a table 10 meters away, put down that plate, run back to the buffet table, pick up another plate and repeat the whole routine again and again.

The event stops when either food has run out, or there are no more plates.

Winner is the one with the most food collected.

How come Malaysians would win this: Chinese New Year. Hari Raya. Christmas. Deepavali. Public Listed Companies' AGM. These are just some of the occassions when Malaysians hold the time-honored tradition of open houses where the rakyat gets to practice Food Hogging. Since practice makes perfect, Malaysians are amongst the best in the world when it comes to food hogging.

Potential Competitor: Our neighbours in the south, Singapore, would likely give us a good fight. They too, have open houses and plenty of AGMs to practice hogging with. This will be an interesting battle.

Last Minute Shopping
The competition is to buy one item (randomly picked just before the competition starts) as late as possible from a department store.

For example, you may be asked to buy a packet of instant noodle from Jaya Jusco. The idea is to be the last contestant to pay just before the counter closes. For the purpose of the competition only, the counter will close exactly at the end of the working hours.

This is a very tricky event - buy too early and you miss the point, buy too late and the item maybe sold out or the counter is closed. The idea is to take it with you, and hang around the counter until it's nearly closing them, then rush to pay all at once.

How come Malaysians would win this: The MyKad fiasco. The annual Income Tax form submission. The annual CNY, Hari Raya and Christmas shopping rush. Malaysians are the kings as far as procrastination is concerned. Don't believe me? Look around the blogosphere - see how many Malaysian bloggers list procrastination as a habit, hobby or profession?

Potential Competitor: None identified yet. Most countries do have procrastinator, but not in the numbers we do. Americans do this too, but they aren't in the Commonwealth Games.

Here's one we're absolutely good at. It's very simple, really.

You actually have to cross a busy, 4-lane road with heavy traffic in both directions in as little time as possible without getting killed.

How come Malaysians would win this: You kidding me? What makes you think we WON'T win it? We're like the Maharaja of jaywalking - people actually wonder out loud why overhead pedestrian bridges are built in Malaysia. Or for that matter, why we even waste paint making all those zebra crossings.

Potential Competitor: Indians too jaywalk a lot. But their traffic is slower, and less lethal, thus they aren't as quick on their toes as we are. We'd probably win 9 times out of 10.

Messiest Room
This is self-explanatory. Room that is messiest will win.

Scoring is rather subjective - it's really up to the judges who score it - but there are some rule of thumbs. It helps if you don't clean a room for a long period (ie from the day you occupy it). It helps if you don't understand the concept of storage. You get points for not keeping you clothes in the proper place. Existance of ant colonies is a big bonus. If rats roam the room, you almost certainly get many bonus points.

How come Malaysians would win this: Because Moz is a Malaysian !!!

Potential Competitor: No sweat lah ... this one I sure win one !!

Haha ... OK ... if only we had events like these, I'm sure the viewership of the Commonwealth Games would be higher, and Malaysia's medal tally much, much higher.


angel said...



moz monster said...

angel: I'm glad at least someone found it funny =)