28 February 2006

Top Ten Ways I'm Dealing With Increased Petrol Prices

Well, I guess it's speaking the obvious - the price for petrol went up again. And as usual, rather than announcing the increase earlier, we get ambush news - I only heard about it late - probably 11. And most new websites don't even carry the news - I definately didn't find it on The Star or NSTP at 11.15 pm. The only clue came in Bernama, which took forever to load, and had a one line announcement.

Oh well, like we always have, we'll deal with it. Right now, I'm too depressed to write much of a header for this piece. I'm like ... gosh ... now I might have to take the bicycle on my grocery shopping trips. And I'm seriously considering walking (with my heavy golf bag) to the driving range next time I wanna practice some golf. And by golly, my next girlfriend better live in the same postcode and work in the same building (calling all girls living in postcode 47100 and working in KLCC !!!) ... haiyo ... how ?

Well, since it's set in, I might as well adopt my Top Ten Ways to Deal With Increased Petrol Prices:

  • Resolved to dedicating myself on the new quest to create car fuel from my urine/sweat/saliva.
  • I will start cutting down on unnecessary travel, such as going to the barber shop twice every month. From now on, I will only do my haircut once every 6 months or when the Health Ministry orders me to, whichever comes first.
  • In response to rising fuel costs, the pirated DVDs I peddle with now cost RM1 more per DVD.
  • To offset increased fuel expenditure, people who tumpang my car back from work are expected to chip into the Moz Monster Breakfast Fund generously.
  • Guests visiting my house are strongly encouraged to bring their own beverage and snacks from now on.
  • Bali trip has been officially canceled, and replaced with a trip to the local Dewan Masyarakat instead.
  • I will now pay more attention to friends whose dads/mums/relatives/good friends owns petrol stations.
  • Guests visiting my house will now be charged 20 cents everytime they use the washroom facilities.
  • Seriously consider driving to work 2 am in the morning to avoid traffic congestion, which in turn will increase fuel consumption.
  • It's not all that bad - now I have additional excuse to bring up to my mum when she asks me about my lack of dating activities. "Ma ... you know how much petrol costs nowadays or not ?
Gosh, I hate to be thinking negative things now, but I'm kinda sure this will have a domino effect, and prices and other daily consumables, amongst other goods will all have some form of increase in prices.

On the peanuts salary I'm getting currently, I'd probably have to save money by shaving less often. *Sigh* What next ?

27 February 2006

Job Of The Week: Erection Engineer

I was looking through the Classifieds in Saturday's The Star when I came across this :


I don't know, do you really wanna be called ... an Erection Engineer? So what do you put on your name card - Erection Engineer?

Successful Job Applicant: "Hey, dad, guess what, I'm now an Erection Engineer !!!"
Dad: "...."

And what's your career path? Erection Manager? VP of Erection? Erection Specialist?

I guess these guys should have just called it Installation Engineer lah ... some names are just not meant to be. If you read the descriptions properly, there are alternate names possible - Installation Engineers, Fittings Engineer, or just plain ol' Engineer.

And what do you tell your aunts and uncles at family weddings, CNY Open Houses, or family gatherings?

Uncle Howard: "Hey, Moz !!! What's this new job I heard you got?"
Moz: "Erm ... erm ... I'm now working as an ...."
Uncle Howard: "Wah ... paiseh somemore ... say la ... "
Moz: "I'm a .... Erection Engineer ..."
Uncle Howard: "wha ....." *rolls on the floor, laughing*

** Post Publish Ideas **

And here was Moz, having a social chat at a party, with his imaginary girlfriend and some mutual friends ...

Friend 1: "Oh, I'm working in logistics line ..."
Friend 2: " Wah, must be interesting. I'm working in accounting line. Quite boring 9 to 5 work"
Friend 3: "That's ok why. I always fly here fly there one. I do IT support for ASEAN region"
Friend 1: "Ok lor. I know some people who research animals in the jungle. So, Moz, what do you do?"
Moz: "I, er ... uhm .... hrm ... I'm into Erections ..."

** End of Post Publish Ideas **

Any applicants?

24 February 2006

Visiting Merlion


Hai ... I'm back. I know, I've been away - I was down in Singapore attending a training session. Not really visit Merlion lah ... this time didn't even get to see Merlion.

So what's so nice about my trip? Nothing much lor ... here are the pictures and the stories. If you want more detail, email me and I'll walk thru my training too =) Sure bore you to death one.

Here's what I did ...

Go attend training. 3 days of intensive brainwashing. But got good bribes for participating in classes ... Ghirardelli chocolates =) Needless to say, I was a top participant.

Even got a world clock/alarm clock/calculator with the company logo at the end of the class =)

If only our schools have these sort of rewards =) I would have graduated tops each year.

Met up with Cynthia and Pansy. These are old friend from Spore, whom I haven't met for a while. I try to see them everytime I get down to Spore. Sunny, apparently, has transferred to Europe =( without saying bye to anyone of us. Last met her when she bunked in my place on her Bangkok visit. Bye Sunny. Clear your mail box la ... always flooded one ... =(

Had dinner (really more like finger food), had liquid malt, catching up on the good ol' times. Pansy is between jobs again =(. Cynthia is like, really busy with her work.

The setting for my meet - Boat Quay. Unusually breezy that nite. Pretty Pretty sights.

Introducing Cynthia ... Hi Cynthia. Pansy's pic didn't turn out ok, so I'll update later with another pic.

Our finger food. One was on diet (me), the other thought one needed to be on diet. Good stuff.

My so-called diet. 2 servings of fermented, liquified grain

And no stop in Spore is a stop without having CHILI CRAB !!! Wah ... so sinful !!! Nagasaki-san wanted to have Chili Crab, so we gathered a group of 5 : Nagasaki-san (Japan), George (from HK), Mun Yee + Mag (Spore) and me (Msia), and we went to East Coast Park Seafood Center ... *burp*

I don't think Spore has the best food in the world, but I must say this Chili Crab thing is simply good. No real comparison elsewhere ... but must have either in Jumbo, Red House or Long Beach only.

East Coast Seafood Center

Exhibit A: The sinful Chili Crab

A pretty good trip, really. Nothing really funny to report - study during day, work during night, only interesting time is really the dinners. Nearly didn't make the flight home - my luggage and I was separated by some accident.

Wanna thank Bakshius Maximus for getting the luggage to me.

20 February 2006

Top Ten Ways My New Car Changed My Life

My Honda City VTEC has now got passed it's 1000 km mark - in fact it's got passed it a long time back, during Chinese New Year. The novelty has worn off, everyone has stopped telling me it smells like a new car, all the test drive kaki has test driven it and I've been to everywhere I'm likely to go anyways with it. Feels good. Not too bad, after all.

In fact, I've actually stopped cussing everytime a particle of dust lands on the car. Now I cuss every 1,000th dust particle instead. And I no longer drive the car instinctively to the car wash. Nowadays, I drive the car to the car wash when my mum says she'll have to mop the car if I don't clean it myself =(.



But life changing it is, having a new car. Here now, the Top Ten ways that Honda changed my life, for better or for worse.

  • Girls still reject me, but at least they say something positive about me, such as "Nice car ...", "Nice car ..." and "Nice car, but ..."
  • My travelling time to work has now been cut short dramatically because I don't have to stop along the way to pick up all the parts that drop off from the car.
  • Emotional well-being has improved now that my sister stopped calling me "Loser" everytime she sees me.
  • To balance out my boss's impression that I'm paid too much, I now have to dress down to work, which explains why I have been wearing my old Milo, Nescafe and Ovaltine T-Shirts lately.
  • Girls still won't give me their phone numbers, but if I persist, they would scratch it on the car =)
  • I have gained new perspective and insight on life since I started peddling VCDs and DVDs to pay for the car - I can now spot an enforcement officer / policeman from miles away.
  • My friends stopped calling me a sorry sight. Now they call me a sorry Ah Beng.
  • I am now confident enough to drive to Penang without getting a tow truck escort with me.
  • My weekends have now been much more fun now that I no longer have to tighten all the screws on the car on weekends.
  • Improved emotional well-being gained due to improved relations with sister deteriorated the moment I saw the bill for the first installment "=(
Yeah, it's been a different world since I got the new car. I just wonder if it's a better one?

When bad turns worse ...

I really don't want to complaint, because I know it's a chicken and egg thing ... everything is relative, and put into perspective, I'm not that worse off. Still, I just wanna rant ....

Work has taken a nasty turn. A seemingly small problem reared its ugly head, and it has now resulted in delay. Arghhhhhhh !!!! Taiwan went off like a textbook - no problems, but Tianjin is now ... well, on hold.

There's a very tight schedule, which allows for very little time to do so much. As it is, I had a very long list of items to do, and now, more got added to it. Longer working hours ... just what I don't need.

Still, every difficult phase in my working life had some silver lining. Speaking to a colleague who had seen it all, she remarked that when I joined I was more like a boy on steroids. Now I'm a bit more like a wannabe sage. I take that as an improvement. =)

*****

OK - enough with that. I need to start taking Gingko Biloba. Really.

I packed my bag yesterday night, and I took with me, my camera's battery charger, a small tripod, the USB cable for the camera. But the camera .... ?

At home. How clever of you, Moz.

*****

On my short flight, I was listening Michael Buble's Home over and over. This was the song that kept playing in my final days in Bangkok. I think I'm just starting to realise that I'm missing home. And how ironic, only now, when I'm actually seeing more of home, I start to realise what I missed.

"Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home"

19 February 2006

Out of office reply

Hi,

Good day, you've now managed to disturb me by sending me another totally unnecessary email.

If you really must know, I'm out of the office. I have access to email, but what makes you think I'll not pretend I DON'T have access to email and reply you?

I'm going for training, so that I'll know how to handle difficult people like you. In fact, my relationship with you IS a case study for the training.

You know what too? While you're at it, maybe you can THINK and solve your own problems instead of whining. Maybe you can CALL the engineers directly and ask them instead of using me. Maybe you can DO SOMETHING for yourself. I can't baby you your entire life.

Don't even think about calling me. With that thing called Caller ID, I rather throw my phone into the sea off Changi than answering your call.

For matters relating to Project A, please contact your own supervisor and tell him how incompetent you are.
For matters relating to Project B, please contact MY supervisor and tell him how lost you are when you can't reach me.
For all other matters, I'll respond to your email at my discretion, time and pace.

Thanks and regards,
Moz Monster


*Poof*

*Sheesh* How I wish I could write out of office / vacation replies like that ...

Off to Spore for 4 days. Blogging will be "at my discretion, time and pace" .... I'll post pictures, that's for sure. But what haven't you already seen in Spore?

Hope to meet up with some old pals there ... I wonder if the Sunny is still around? Last I heard, she asked for transfer to Europe ...

What a terrible day ...

This will be short ... I'm still working ... and have been working since 9 this morning. And yes, it's a rant, so feel free to comfort me ...

  • Stuff I'm doing today for Beijing still has some BIG question marks hanging over it. To be resumed tomorrow. Means very little sleep, if you get the drift =(
  • Halfway thru the day, the rain came. No, make that heavy rain. Some tiles were blown off their original place, resulting in a very wet house. =( .... Great. Now have work and roof to worry about. If there's a bomoh I can get to fend off the rain until I fix the roof, I'd like to talk to him/her.
  • Did get to go to Sean's housewarming, but spent nearly 2 hours of that in a series of totally unnecessary conference call listening to my customer whining about non-existant issues. Bah!
  • And get a load of this - I have more to do tonight, since work resumes tomorrow.
  • And tomorrow, Taipei has scheduled work as well. Double whammy =(
  • And I'm travelling on Monday. So who's gonna look after the leaking roof ?
Ma, nowadays making a living is increasingly difficult !!! Waaa !!! I wanna find a rich wife !!! Or strike lottery !!! Looks like my supposed bad year is starting already ... *sheesh*

17 February 2006

Guys night out ...

If ever there is a time to celebrate, it was yesterday. Josh got a new car. Moz got the President's Award at work.

So, we took the car for a spin, and ended up in an 'Indian' restaurant. Now I say 'Indian' because we always make the mistake of calling every Mughal, Pakistani, Bangladeshi and Sri Lankan restaurant an Indian restaurant. Josh told us it was a good 'Indian' place, so we went along with his plan.

Car test drive crew = Josh (proud car owner), DP (head car test honcho), Anil (discerning Indian food critic), BL (eats anything anyways), Moz (just in for the ride).

From KLCC, the common sense route for a test drive would be to get onto the elevated highway, head towards Ampang and back. So we did that, then we exited to Ulu Klang, and went on to this place called Thaba Village Restaurant.

On the outside, it looks like a nondescript Indian Restaurant. Only its not. Once you get inside the place, it's decorated more like a French place. Don't believe me? Look at the collage above.

One look at the menu, and it was obvious to us that this is a Mughal place. That's more like North India/Pakistani. Anyways, the stuff we ordered was pretty good - Mixed Briyani, White Rice, Prawn Masala, Aloo Ghobi, Buttered Chicken, Mutton Kurma, Aloo Bindi and Naan. Well, all except the Cheese Naan, which looked more like pizza.

Anyways, the place had all these erotic/exotic decor which probably was to remind us we're still in a Mughal restaurant (coz everything else suggests French).

Once dinner was over, we adjourned for drinks at Beach Club. Nothing special to report there. It's still like little Manila, it still feels like I'm in a meat market. Should have went to Zouk, maybe. Couldn't stay late because I had work to do - but at least I started on my liquid diet plan.

16 February 2006

Top Ten Discarded Valentine Day Cards

I know it's over. Valentine's Day is no more. Until next year, that is. We men stare endlessly at our credit card debt, scouring newspapers for part time jobs. The women, in the meantime, start going to the gym, trying to burn off those chocolate calories.

But, you know, not every Valentine's Day is a successful one. Looking around in dustbins all around the country, here now, are the Top 10 Discarded Valentine's Day Cards:

10. Near a public dustbin in Bukit Aman, this card was found discarded:

(Baby, I love it when you do the Nude Squat)

9. And this one, was found near the lake in Precint 1, Putrajaya:

(Honey, Our Love will stand the test of increased petrol prices)

8.At a Kajang home, this card was dumped almost as soon as it was received:

(Honey, I Love You. But You have to stop lying about mahjong)

7. Seen discarded near the National Cancer Foundation headquarters in KL:

(Darling, Our Love Will Grow If You Just Stop Donating A Billion Bucks Away)

6. This was was discovered by a cleaner near the rubbish chute near the Works Ministry:

(Tiap Tiap Hari Saya Juga Cinta, Tiap Tiap Hari Tol Kutip Juga)

5. This was found is numerous locations all over the country:

(Girl, I go crazy when you change without drawing your curtains)

4. Surprisingly many Recycle Bins on countless PCs across Malaysia had this greeting:

(I go weak in the knees every time I see you ... shower when you forgot to turn off the webcam ...)

3. Many guys were surprised when they found this card on their workdesk from guy colleagues:

(My knight in shining armour ... would you watch Brokeback Mountain with me?)

2. This card was probably best not sent:

(I love you eversince I watched your home video on the Net)

1. At least whoever was sending this card was being honest:

(Darling, I love you forever, but I loved you more when you were 3 sizes smaller)

And that, folks, are the top discarded Valentine Day cards =)

Anyone kena, please ... not my fault lah ... I simply pointing out the ones that most people throw away. If you are receipient, maybe its the thought that matters. But are these really the thoughts you want?

If you have been sending these cards to your loved ones ... what were you thinking?

15 February 2006

My Marie Biscuit Valentine Experience

My Valentine's was spent in the office, having Marie biscuits with Milo. *tsk*

I was supposed to be on a flight to Beijing, but events conspired against me. I didn't get my invitation letter, which was required for my visa. So I was squatting in my office, looking out at the sunset from KLCC, having my pre-dinner snack. Marie biscuit. Milo. *sniff*

The big bosses are here, and I'm flooded with work. Anyways, I don't have anyone special I wanted to ask out. And I don't think I'm on anyone's radar screen too. I think I'm married to my work.

At least I know that most of those lovey dovey couples out there would have been caught in the major jam around town, following the downpour. *Muahahahaha*. KLCC can see everything one =)

Later had A&W with some colleagues. Saw some financially savvy couples having A&W instead of fancy Valentine's Dinner. Respect them la ... no need to affirm their love with elaborate displays of affection. I've always believed that when the love is strong, and unconditional, you really don't need roses, chocolates, soft toys or dinners. You really just need a small squeeze of hand, a moment of eye contact, that hug.

Back to A&W, I simply had onion rings - I know there's dinner waiting for me at home. And that's unconditional love. Years ago, I reminded my mum not to cook dinner for me, that I could be late.

She simply told me she'll always make dinner for me, whether or not I make it home for dinner. Just in case I'm really trapped in a jam. Just in case I only walked out of the office and all the places are closed. Just in case I had dinner but I need supper. Just in case.

That's my true Valentine. My unconditional love.

And last night, I returned home only at 11 p.m., and there, on the dining table, dinner.

Between a Marie biscuit, A&W and my mum's dishes, I think I had a darn good Valentine's Day after all.

14 February 2006

Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad Valentine's Dinner (for him)

So you've gathered the couraged, put aside the battering your pride might take if she says no. You struck up a conversation, you found an opening to ask her out, and she agreed.

You're on. You have a date on Valentine's. You ate nothing but Nasi Lemak with Ikan Bilis and drink only tap water from the nearby car wash. You stopped buying newspaper since January. All so that you have enough money to buy her a lavish, romantic dinner.

So, what could go wrong? Plenty, man. Plenty. In case you're too smitten to notice you're in a really bad dinner, here's Top Ten signs you're at a really bad Valentine's dinner:

  1. She turns up for your date with her husband, the local gangster boss.
  2. She hasn't turned up from her toilet break. Two and a half hours ago.
  3. Every 5 minutes, she stands up, turns around, and asks "So, do these make my butt look fat?"
  4. She keeps comparing you to her US$46 billion husband.
  5. She wasn't feeling well, so she sent her mother instead. But hey, at least you get a free ride home.
  6. While waiting for the food to arrive, she started a discussion on how you should alter your shower routine to clean yourself properly. Hey .... how the heck did she know your shower routine ?
  7. You go down on your knees and presents her with a diamond ring. And she eats it. And tells you it's delicious, but a little hard.
  8. Everytime you whisper her a promise or tells her what you want to do with her, she calls her attorney, and asks him to record it.
  9. She turns up for the date in her Tae Kwan Do black belt outfit. And a nanchaku.
  10. Starts teling you all about her sexual history after the second glass of wine.
Happy Valentine's Day!!! Hope you'll have a good time. Read the Her post too =)

Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad Valentine's Dinner (for her)

OK, it's that day of the year when all manners of lovey-dovey behaviour gets unleashed. Some will find their true love, some will discover their mate's not for them.

The common Valentine's Day routine includes sending/getting gifts and flowers besides the requisite romantic dinner do. More so if it's a weekday like this year's. If it falls on weekends, you can bet some popular resorts will have a sudden surge in bookings.

So, you made up your mind, accepted a dinner invitation with your man / boyfriend. You put on your best working dress, take that extra bit of time with the makeup and the hairbrush in the morning, and you put on extra deodorant - just so you'll be at your best at the dinner.

But things do go wrong, and sometimes, you can end up at a really bad Valentine's dinner. Here now, are top 10 signs you're really at a forgettable Valentine's dinner for a girl:

  1. He brings his whole family with him. And his pet turtle too.
  2. He constantly asks you to help him pick the ticks and mites from his frizzy hair.
  3. He turns up for the date hand-cuffed to a police officer.
  4. Turns out the luxuriously French restaurant he wants to bring you to is really, Delifrance.
  5. Asks you to have a coffee at his place, followed by a romantic nude squat, after dinner.
  6. He starts discussing about your irregular toilet routines ... wait a minute ... how did he know that ??
  7. During the deserts, when you started suggesting places to 'hang out' after dinner, he kept saying "Uh, bad idea, I there might be policemen there."
  8. Turns up at your dinner date wearning a Darth Vader costume.
  9. Your date has a blog and is called Moz Monster.
  10. He's Michael Jackson, and he brought his chimp with him.
Happy Valentine's Day !!! Hope you don't encounter any of these during your date !! And read the him post too =)

13 February 2006

*WAAA !!!* Kena Valentine Meme !!! *TSK*

Look, my solar system-sized ego shrunk into a lychee-sized one when I realized I was travelling this year on V-Day (I have work in Beijing/Tianjin). If that wasn't bad enough, I got tagged with a meme from someone with very little to do on V-Day. The last I checked, the lychee-sized ego is now raisin-sized ego. By the time I finish this meme, I'll probably have an ego the size of a grain of sand. And shrinking. BTW, what's the smallest unit of anything ... I know it's no longer an atom or even electron? Is it a quasar or quirk? My ego will end up that size, I'm sure ...

*Additional Notes* But I kawan-kawan with pelf lah ... so I don't mind the meme ...

So here I am, answering questions that will validate my destiny as a Gregorian monk =(

1. What did you do for the last Valentine’s?
I spent Valentine's Day with my mum in Bangkok. If there's someone who deserves a lot of love from me, it's her. I took her there since I was working there then, and she had never flown overseas for a holiday. She had a smashing time, I felt a million dollars I was able to give her a holiday =). Definately a most unusual Valentine.

2. What are you planning to do for the next Valentine’s?
If next Valentine's means tomorrow, nothing. I'm likely to be flying to Beijing. If I'm flying, I'll probably try to make friends with some air stewardess. If I'm not flying, I'll just be working. Either way, I have no plans. If I have a special someone, I'd probably make her a dinner at home - I make a mean pasta and decent salmon dishes =) - I'm sure all the places are either booked or overpriced.

3. What would be the ideal place to celebrate Valentine’s?
Haha ... if I'm with my sweetheart, I don't mind the location - as long as she is right next to me. I'm afraid it would probably be her having expectations. I would love to bring her to a dinner on a deserted beach. I can't think of a better setting than that. Serenaded by soft waves lapping the shore, warmed by the setting sun, with stars over our heads, and a chocolate/strawberry based desert ... I don't know how I can top that.

4. What qualities in a person would make an ideal Valentine’s date for you?
Must be female. I must like her. Must like me too. I guess that's really all that matters, no?

5. What gifts would you buy/have bought for your partner?
I hope to be able to buy her something she wants, that is useful and practical. I think roses are a must as well. So I'll probably buy her 3 things - (1) something she finds useful and need, (2) roses, lots of roses and (3) either a soft toy or some candy/chocolate. Don't flog me for being boring.

6. What gifts have you received/would like to receive from your partner?
Gifts are less important to me. They are merely tangible signs of love, I'd rather get no gifts and have her hand instead. But a warm hug really helps.

7. What’s your all-time favourite romantic movie?
Does Forest Gump qualify as a romantic movie? There's a also Chinese movie called "I Have a Date with Spring" - I dig that.

8. If you could choose any person on earth to be your date on Valentine’s, who would it be?
Patsy Hou Pei
Cen (侯珮岑) I really dig her. There's a whole long list, but if I have to choose one, it'll be her. Maybe she can interview me =). But I think Jay Chou might clobber me to death =( ... but I'll take that chance.

9. Tag the following people (up to your discretion) - in alphabetical order..
I would like to stop here. I'm really not sure if the people I want to tag want to be reminded of their misery.

There, my second ever meme. Hey, anyone suddenly available last minute and look like Patsy ? I'm open to that, you know.

12 February 2006

Top Ten Signs You're Working In A Lousy Place

Recently, the mood in my office lifted a little. Despite the still looming challenges and the obvious shortage of manpower, I think we've turned the corner, and things will only look up. He left. Resigned. Quit. Our colleague from hell left us.

What was so bad about this guy, you ask? Not wanting to make a demon out of him, I'd just say he didn't fit in, his character created a lot of tension and his ego prevented him from owning up and moving on. I know a few people who're just about to enter the working stage of their life - to them I'd say - keep a healthy attitude, be people friendly, and always be humble. I learnt plenty speaking to tea ladies and receptionists.

In keeping with the working theme, here's a Top Ten list for those who're just about to enter the working world. For some people, joining the work force can be daunting. It's one thing scrambling to meet your assignment deadlines in uni and college, it's another thing scrambling to meet 63 work deadlines, attend 4 boring meetings, sit in 2 presentations, make coffee for the boss, reply all your 106 emails and answer all 56 voicemails all in one day. So, it's not always clear to some people once they work whether they have found their true calling in life, or if they're working in a hell hole but are just too busy to notice it.

Keep it handy in case you need to confirm your hunch that you're working in the wrong place.

  1. Coming late to work means you have to do the nude squat.
  2. The office intercomm is really just two condensed milk tins and a piece of string.
  3. The tea lady keeps serving you Tongkat Ali tonics. Or Guiness Stout with raw eggs.
  4. To save money on pens and ink, you're asked to sign your documents with blood from your own finger.
  5. Missed a deadline? Get your head shaved bald.
  6. The company uniform is made entirely from McDonald's take away paper bags.
  7. To get the toilet key, you have to compete in an episode of Fear Factor Malaysia and win.
  8. When you ask about your company car and your salary, your boss said "I burn to you already why" ...
  9. The company trip this year is to the Hospital Bahagia in Tanjung Rambutan.
  10. This year's bonus is whatever leftover you can tar pow (pack home) from Moz Monster's Chinese New Year Open House.
Heck, I'm even throwing some extras this time around ...
  • The boss installed CCTV inside the washrooms to make sure no one's sneaking off the job.
  • Your lunch time starts at 12:00 pm and ends at 12:08 pm.
  • The office stopped purchasing toilet paper, and is now using recycled paper from the printer and photocopy machine.
  • To save costs, all office chairs have been sold off, so everyone is encouraged to squat on the job.
  • Due to some Feng Shui requirements, your cubicle is located in the middle of the toilet. Due to same Feng Shui requirements, toilet cannot be cleaned.
  • Your boss is George W.
So, folks, if you've been seeing those signs, better polish up the CV and be on the lookout. You have been warned.

Anyone has any other signs you're working in a lousy place?

11 February 2006

He says, she says

From the archives of Moz Monster ... some years back, on this very same day ...

When people say that men are from Mars, and women from Venus, the truth is not very far off. It's often a wonder how we can even get together, knowing all the differences. Maybe that's why sex exists, and many of us, are like, so into it. God probably made some mistakes, had to find a way to see to it that his two creations will get along, by hook or by crook. *Hey, remember, it's all in good humor here ... don't take this as me being insulting to anyone's higher power*

It's sometimes a surprise to me how it is that language hasn't evolved in such a way that we don't have one set for women and one for men. Oh ... you'll still need one set for them to communicate, huh?

I always tell myself it's not very possible to tell when a girl says no, if she really means no, or she's trying to say yes in a nicer way. Or if she says yes, but she really means yes instead of no instead. Like any male can.

Here's one conversation I'm recalling from a previous episode in my life. One that had a particularly sad ending :(

Moz says "It's your birthday next week. You have anything in mind?"
She must have heard Moz saying "I remember it's your birthday next week. I hope you haven't already made any plans?"
Moz really meant to say "It's your birthday next week. You have anything in mind?"

She says "Oh, nothing in particular."
Moz heard her saying "Oh, nothing in particular."
She
really probably meant to say "I don't have anything in mind. But you better do."

Moz says "Really? You don't have plans or any place you wanna celebrate?"
She must have heard Moz saying "Aiks? That means you wanna ask me out izzit?"
Moz really meant to say "Really? You don't have plans or any place you wanna celebrate?"

She says "No. It's nothing special, just getting one year older ..."
Moz heard her saying "No. It's nothing special, just getting one year older ..."
She really probably meant to say "No. No one asked me out yet. Eh, quickly ask la ..."

Moz says "In that case, maybe we can do dinner, then?"
She must have heard Moz saying "Ah ... so this man have some intelligence. And taste ... dinner. Good idea"
Moz really meant to say "In that case, maybe we can do dinner, then?"

She says "Ok. But no need to be fancy la ..."
Moz heard her saying "Ok. But no need to be fancy la ..."
She really probably meant to say "Ok. Please decline my offer to have a simple dinner, and propose instead to spend lavishly on me"

Moz says "No kidding!! It's your birthday, let's make it a night to remember"
She must have heard Moz saying "I know what to do one. Your birthday mah, sure I won't spare any expense one"
Moz really meant to say "No kidding!! It's your birthday, let's make it a night to remember"

She says "Aiya, no need la ... no need to be fancy fancy la. It's the thought that matters"
Moz heard her saying "Aiya, no need la ... no need to be fancy fancy la. It's the thought that matters"
She really probably meant to say "You're smart! Yes, I want it lavish. But ... I'm a woman, need to be more ladylike ... "

Moz says "Well, don't worry about it. I'm bring you somewhere decent."
She must have heard Moz saying "I know what to do. Leave it to me."
Moz really meant to say "Well, don't worry about it. I'm bring you somewhere decent."

** One Week Later **

She screamed "YOU CALL THIS DECENT?? WHAT AM I TO YOU??"
She
really probably meant to say "You cheap bastard. Nasi Lemak? Nasi Lemak? My birthday dinner, and all you have to show is a Nasi Lemak? ElCheapoUselessPrickNoWonderYoureStillVirginShitlessAss"

Moz squeks "... but ... but ... what's wrong with the Nasi Lemak here? Best in Puchong ..."
*Bloddy embarassed by the commotion, and trying my best to smile in the face of adversity ...*

She calms down, "Take me home. I'm not feeling well ..."

** Many years later .. fast forward today **

I have not heard from her since ... =( ... I'm wondering what happened to her.

I really couldn't tell if I was wrong for not actually reading her mind, or if I was too naive to understand the body language of a woman. Probably a bit of both ... *sigh*

That my dear, was the moment I turned from a boy to a man. Since that moment, my lifelong struggle to understand woman has ended in bewilderment, more questions than answers and simply nowhere closer to the truth.

I think I've gotten closer to understanding woman, but everytime I think I've nailed it, something comes along, smacks me in the face, and tells me I'm waaay off.

I suspect it has to do with me not understanding language the way it is meant to be understood.

09 February 2006

Martabatkan Bahasa Melayu !!! apa bercakap anda?

Following my previous blog about my blog appearing in Chinese, I got a suggestion to see if I can try and find a web translator that would convert my blog to some other language instead ... OK, sounds like a challenge to me.

So, I googled this site out - LinguaWeb. It's an experimental tool available for a limited time that is supposed to help us translate from English to Malay (and vice-versa? I dunno, had so much fun translating English -> Malay I really don't care about the rest). It's really simple ... you check the Laman Web radio button, then you put in your URL, click on Cari, and viola ... your website gets Malay-fied.


And your end result is ...

Lemme say this ... the tool ... needs work. Major work, more like a closer revamp than anything else. Let's take passages from a blog I've published ....

Original Quote "
Valentine's Day Gifts I DON'T Want"
Translated Text "Hari Valentine hadiah saya TIDAK mahu" *Samy Vellu? Is it really you?*

Original Quote "
I was surfing yesterday night when I came across these online Valentine's gift peddlers with strange ideas"
Translated Text "
Saya adalah sukan lunar ombak malam semalam apabila saya datang seberang ini dalam talian hadiah Valentine pengedar dadah dengan idea ganjil" *scratching head*

Original Quote "
She had a tough day"
Translated Text "Dia telah satu orang samseng hari" *really?*

Original Quote "Putrajaya Night Scenery"
Translated Text "Malam Putrajaya Pemandangan" *Oi ... SPM BM Pass ka ?*

Original Quote "Just who the heck are you, Moz?"
Translated Text "Hanya yang alamak andakah, Moz?" *are these 2 phrases even RELATED ?*

I think these translation samples I've picked up here shows that the disclaimer they had put up is really, necessary. The translations are just waaaaaaaaaaaay off mark. I won't really want to use this site to translate my homework. Angel ... ada komen? This is your line of work ...

I think it's not ready la ... unless they market it as a comedic relief tool la ... go ahead, Malay-fy your blog and see the results. Which is exactly what I've done. And I'm asking you to do it too. Then post some of the funny translations back as comments ... so that I can laugh too =)

08 February 2006

We don't need volunteer vigilantes, do we?

I just read an interesting case where a group of moral crusaders caught a couple committing khalwat, beat up the men, broke into the bathroom where the girl was taking a bath, allegedly groped and molested her, even slapped her, then dragged the couple to the police station.

The girl lodged a report at the station, and the police arrested the men instead.

I think this incident, if true, is another reason why we don't need volunteer vigilantes.

What do these squads really do for us anyways? It's not like you can just walk around town and tell people they should stop doing what they are doing. Whoever thinks that will actually work?

And do you really believe vigilantes will just stop at advising? Or consulting? Won't they feel like they have the power, the right, to interfere? Won't they do anything to stop the offending act? Do we really think these guys will just be bystanders and commentators?

What's their scope anyways? Will they walk up to me and tell me I'm not dressed appropriately? And how will they react when I tell them I'm Buddhist and not Muslim? And how should I react when they say I look like a Muslim and I have to show proof I'm Buddhist? And how then if my MyKad says I'm Muslim? Although I'm not, because there's just so much screw ups with the MyKads to being with?

And even if I commit something wrong, do they really have the right to bash me up? Or even threaten me? And if it ever goes to court, it's really a case of my word against theirs, isn't it? Who to trust? How to substantiate their claims or my counter claims?

How?

Valentine's Day Gifts I DON'T Want

It's February again. It's that time of the year when men cringe, women get hopeful, and retailers the world over rejoice. Spring arrives in the northern hemisphere, retailers the world over awaits with bated breath. Valentine's Day cometh.

For the soft toy manufacturers, it's time to make up for the Christmas shortfall. For snobbish restaurant owners, it's time to double the charges and clear the cheap house wine. For florists the world over, it's time to sell off all those roses that would have not been selling the rest of the year. For online retailers with goods that just won't sell ... it's time to mark 'em all as Valentine Gift Ideas and sell 'em to desperate people.

While I know it's nothing but a celebration of crass commercialization and an opportunity to make up for a whole year's neglect and lack of romance, there are just some gifts I don't think I'll ever want to get for Valentine's Day. Ever.

I was surfing yesterday night when I came across these online Valentine's gift peddlers with strange ideas. No kidding - click on the pics to open the pages. These are either Valentine gift ideas or Valentine gifts people received. No kidding !!!

If you love me. Or love yourself. Or love anything good in life. Don't. Get. These. Valentine's. Presents. To. Anyone. Ever.

Battery Jump Starter. Your honey comes home, tired from working his butt off trying to save enough to impress your mum so that she'll finally let you marry him. And what do you get him in return? Why of course, a battery jump starter !!! Clamp the positive receptacle onto his right hand, and the negative receptacle onto this left one. Then power it on !!! See him recharged !!

Oi ... no need lah. This gift is probably more appropriate when presented on Father's Day. Or when he gets fitted with a pacemaker after he seen the bills in the aftermath of the wedding reception. Don't give this out on Valentine's Day.

Adopt a cockroach. She had a tough day. Her boss had been all over her today. Her colleagues didn't help either - they all gossiped about your low-paying salary, and the fact you're still taking a bus to work. And her dad called to remind her about her sister's millionaire boyfriend. Imagine her surprise when she gets home to find a trail of rose petals leading her from the door to her bathroom .... where a hissing cockroach awaits her.

If your idea of a Valentine's Day involves her throwing cutleries, plates, bowls, vases, etc. in your direction, this is probably a perfect gift. The pink hues of your bruises will remind you weeks after Valentine's of your special celebration of love.


Mr T's "Be Somebody ... Or Be Somebody's Fool" Video. Forget about renting 'Ghost' or 'The English Patient'. What are they good for when you have ... Mr. T's Videos. If she had been having one of those weeks when everything seems to be painted in hues of blue - the bills are still unpaid, the fridge is empty, the last meal you had together was in 7-11 at the microwave oven and the landlord has been knocking down your door, here's something to cheer her up - Mr T style !!

I don't need to be an expert to predict you'll spend forever separated from her following this romantic video. Even if you are out of videos to rent, you'd probably fare a lot better if you rented an episode of Fear Factor. Really.

The Goomba's Book Of Love. This is a good one. He's really exhausted from his overseas trip. It had been good, and he's happy to have achieved his objectives. He looked forward to seeing you at the fancy restaurant he booked months ago - on Valentine's Day. He put on his best clothes, sprays on that new perfume he bought at the Duty Free shops, and picks up the bouquet of 99 roses flown in from Colombia.

Imagine his happiness when he unwraps your gift to him... Goomba's Book Of Love ... You really think he'll be happy? I won't be. If it has to be a book, get something like Karma Sutra guides, tips for love making, that sort of thing. If you insist on giving this to him, may I suggest a cheaper alternative ... the Yellow Pages or your local phone directory. It's probably more exciting, really.

A gift certificate from a Quilt making shop. I know people often say it's the thought that matters. I agree. But what are you really thinking when you give a gift certificate from a quilt shop? "Er ... your existing quilt stinks so bad you need a new one 'cause nothing humanity has invented so far will get rid of that odour .. ?". I forsee a Valentine's Day spent alone, with only your quilt for company.

A spinning Jenny? A spindel? Whatever it is, I don't get it. And I don't want to get it.

He Man and the Masters Of the Universe, Season 1 Vol 2 DVD. If you're in love with someone who actually is happy and contented to receive this for Valentine's Day, lemme guess ... you're 9 and your partner is 10, right? If so, consider the more romantic options - Papa Smurf's Love Guide, Gummi Bear Pink Book of Love and the Pink Panther's Pink Meltdown. Young people are falling in love at increasingly young age, aren't they?


Trappist Preserve Jams. Made by Trappist Monks
at St. Joseph's Abbey in Spencer, Mass. She told you not to get her chocolates - it's a violation of her diet. She won't go to a fancy dinner too, since they serve all these red meat and cholesterol laden 'love' dishes. So what do you do?

Why of course, you buy her a loaf of organic whole meal bread and a set of Trappist Preserves. Not your normal marmalades/jams/preserves - these are holy ones made by monks. Wither your hope for a sweet aftermath ...
Russian - Spanish - English talking dictionary. I really don't know what to say. They are throwing in a 10 language travel translator for Valentine's Day. Can't resist the great offer ... although I really don't need to know any Russian or Spanish. Maybe if your man is a football player from Spain playing in the English Premier League in a team owned by a Russian Oil Tycoon, and has colleagues from 10 different countries?

And this one ... Heart Shaped Pine Cheeseboard. Let me guess, if the target market is Malaysia, this probably would have been a wooden cutting block, the ones you see at chicken rice shops. If your woman enjoys cutting cheese, and you want to remind her of you every time she slices her cheese, this is perfect.

But things could backfire. What if she uses it as a chopping block when she discovers you have been two timing? (What she chops off depends on the severity of your offence lah).

:) I guess there are alternatives after all if the chocolate-underwear-soft toy-roses-dinner combination sound boring. But please, for the love of all things good in life, don't consider any of them for me.

Any other strange / unusual Valentine's Day ideas ?

07 February 2006

Chinese version of what talk you?

OMG ... I have Chinese readers ... I really don't know if I should be flabbergasted or stumped. Never in even my wildest wet dreams ... and this guy/gal seems to be from NZ too, if my traffic report is to be believed.


I was checking the stats on my Sitemeter when I stumbled across some URLs I don't recognize ... turned out someone had been reading a translated version of what talk you? ... probably in Taiwan.

Translated, 'what talk you?' is read 'Shi Me Tan Hua Ni?' ... and the translations aren't too far off the mark, but do leave some room for improvement.

What was good though, was a me learning that I would need to translate much better if I were to make a Chinese version. The example that really got me laughing on the floor .. my link to Pelf, which I marked as Contagiously Yours, Pelf was translated into ...
傳染性你的, Pelfy
... haha ... it really reads more like Infectious In Nature Your One, Pelfy. Cheng Sim from Banana Speaks should try this link to read her site in Chinese. Seems to work best on blogs hosted on blogger.com and wordpress.com.

You really have to just read it here to understand why it's so darn far-nie. To me anyways. If you're smart, replace the mozillamonster.blogspot.com part in the URL with your own blog's and see what might appear ...

06 February 2006

Facelifted

My dear imaginary readers who do pay attention to the look and feel of this blog will realise that some very minor changes have taken place on this blog.

I have decided that my default Blogger skin looked too .... common ... it's like driving a Proton - it's all over the place. If you blog surf like I do, you'd find the same look repeated over and over. I know it looks half decent lah ... but why must you all choose the same template?

The last straw came when I surfed and found a few XXX blogs (not to be confused with XX's blog) using the same layout. Just knew there and then I had to change it, one way or the other.

With my limited Photoshop skills, I'm hoping the end results weren't too bad. It's still only a facelift - it's not a total revamp like I wanted to. However, that will have to wait until my current heavy workload subsides somewhat in a few months' time. This is just to differentiate the blog a bit. It's like a Beng-ified Proton. Its core is still Proton, if you look carefully, signs of Proton-ness is still there.

Once that's done, I hope to revamp the sidebar, add more friendly navigation features and spruce up the site more. I hope to maintain the clean look, but you never know what I will do. Don't even have a blueprint, just have a very rought sketch in my mind.

I welcome comments about this new facelift look. Do you feel like there is a theme or does it look disjointed? What can I do to make this look that bit more pleasing to your eyes? Having a problem with your browser? I've only tested this look and feel with IE 6.1 and also Firefox 1.5.1 - hope they would turn out fine elsewhere ...

A day in a Koi farm

While I have been travelling around, I missed out on a lot of exciting things happening in the Moz clan ... a cousin became an F18 pilot in the TUDM (Royal Malaysian Air Force), one opened a Koi farm and is now Malaysia's best Koi producer, amongst others.

In the aftermath of my open house, one of my cousins, San, invited me to visit his Koi farm, Koi Plus Sdn. Bhd., in Rawang. He dangled a few snakehead fishes (Sang Yu to the Chinese, Ikan Haruan in Malay) as carrot. Figuring that it would be educational, fun and I'll learn something new, and also with a few snakehead fishes for CNY, I couldn't resist the offer, so last Saturday, I took off to Rawang with my dad, Wong Sifu, MC and Taikotang in tow.

Finding the farm was half the adventure. Somewhere along the Rawang-Batang Berjuntai road, we had to turn off into a dirt road. The landmark is a muslim cemetary. Then you go off the paved road onto dirt road. Then you look out for a tree, turn left, then turn right, then you look out for a turning to the left when you're next to a river. Then you go until you find a farm house, go around it, then ... gosh ... I get confused just remembering the directions.

I often wondered to myself what I was doing on a dirt road driving my Honda City *gasp*. It felt like Camel Trophy for a very long while, we got our bearings all totally out of whack !! We made a few wrong turns, ending up in places like a car repair shop in the middle of nowhere and a dairy farm (nice cows. Really) ...


We were stuck in the middle of almost nowhere a few times ..

Eventually, we got our bearings right and found the koi farm ... but not without my car sustaining some cosmetic damage *tsk* - the Honda's undercarriage scraped some rocks on the dirt road. I hope all it well ... After 15 minutes on the dirt road, we started to come across what was unmistakably man-made ponds - no doubt the Koi 'ponds'. However, unlike your family koi pond, these have less than crystal clear water ...

Then we saw it ... the Koi farm office. Well, it's not much of an office, but how much paperwork do you process when you do Koi farming?


I don't mind an office like this, even if the nearest Starbucks is like ... 30 minutes away. Who needs coffee when you do Koi farming?

San welcomed us all, and gave us a tour of the place and a talk on the operations of the Koi farm. Turns out it's a full time job many times over ...

The koi from his farm are all export quality Koi's. He exports to mainly to Europe, since the local market is too small. According to San, the Koi's in his farm alone will take over a year to sell in Malaysia. In comparison, in just the short summer season (4 months) in Europe, he can sell of all the Koi's. That's over 2 million Koi's we're talking about.

First off, you have to breed the Koi's. San breed in-house to save cost and ensure quality. Each month, he and his staffs will select Koi's for breeding - trying to produce the Koi's with the most beautiful patterns. Once this has taken place, the Koi hatchlings will all be house in concrete ponds in the farm complex, being prepared for the next stage in Koi farming ...


Concrete ponds at the farm houses breeding, hatchling, selection/grading facilities and packaging facilities.

Selection. In this stage, little Koi's, about 1.5 inches long, are screened. Even at this tender age, a trained eye can tell if the Koi will grow into one with beautiful, marketable patterns Koi farmers strive to produce. Koi's are deemed to be unattractive/unmarketable solely based on the color-pattern combination. Since it is possible to predict the color-pattern early on, unattractive/unmarketable Koi's are screened early on. These rejected Koi's will be sold off to local aquariums as fish food or low-end Koi's. It also helps safe costs, not having to feed and care for Koi's that won't make it.


These are the unlucky ones - they are rejected because they would most likely grow into Koi's with patterns that are not attractive enough to export.

Once selected, grading follows. Some Koi's are more priced than others, and these would be kept in some more protected ponds (that might have nets over the pond, for example to prevent birds from feeding on them). Grading also takes place in various stages of a Koi's development, ultimately resulting in Koi's being graded - according based on criteria such shape, size, patterns - into grades ranging from AAA to C. Only the AAA, AA and A grades will make the cut.


Maybe it's my ignorance - but I can't believe that even these ones don't make the grade !! This is a rejected batch !!

And then, there's the bread and butter task of looking after Koi's - the twice daily feeding (guess what? Koi's are fed with dog food !!), the monitoring of water quality (pH must be close to neutral), the disease monitoring (I didn't know fishes can get mites. And no, I didn't know there is currently a watchout for a fish virus. Then there's bacterial and fungal infections) and the management of the reservoir from which the ponds draw water from.

It's quite ingenius, really. The whole farm is built between a hill and a river - water from a stream running down the fill is dammed off to create reservoirs, and through a series of pipes and waterlocks, water runs from the reservoir into intermediary ponds (where water pH is neutralised first) and then into the Koi ponds.

This reservoir supplies water to many of the Koi ponds - but the water is too acidic, and needs to be neutralised using ammonia-based fertiliser in intermediary ponds.

In the drought, when the reservoir runs low/dry, water is then pumped from the river, and again, purified/prepared in intermediary ponds before being pumped into Koi ponds.

There's about 50 ponds in San's farm - and all are kept in tip top condition by his 10 staffs, kept busy most of the time.


Koi's are ready for 'harvesting' at many different stages. Some are sold when as little as 2 inches, while some are 18-24 inches. The locally bred ones don't grow as big, topping the scale at 2.5 feet.

And then, there's 'harvest' time, when Koi's need to be fished from the ponds for one last selection/grading before being packaged, and sent to an export center in Subang. There, the Koi's are kept under quarantine, and prepared for export to the world. Koi's from San's farm goes mostly to Europe, but do end up in US, Singapore and other countries as well.

It's sad to note that while the locally bred Koi's don't lose out much to the ones imported from Japan and Taiwan, local Koi enthusiasts almost never buy local Koi's. They rather spend a few times more money buying similar quality Koi's from Japan and Taiwan!! Hehe ... I was informed that the really good quality Koi's from Taiwan and Japan are sold back in Taiwan and Japan (where it fetches better price) and USA (where it fetches better price too) ... go lah ... buy imported ones lah ... :-P ... the Malaysian syndrome strikes yet again

MC, Wong Sifu, Moz and San at the reservoir.

Unfortunately, lack of local support isn't the only risk in Koi farming. Weather conditions (too much/too little rain), disease (mites and viruses), success of breeding and other factors could all throw a spanner in the works. Also, since San sells mostly to Europe, he only has 3-4 months during the summer to sell his Koi's there, so an entire year's labor is all depending on his harvest during this short period (which is about now) .. and there's increasing competition from farms in Thailand and Israel, and the lack of direct cargo flights to Europe (compared to say ... Singapore ... which is why over 50 Singaporean companies are exporting Koi's while only 3 from Malaysia).

Still, this year, San expects to sell between 2-3 MILLION Koi's. Wah ... so many ... already, he's sent a batch just a couple of weeks ago, which is why I didn't get any pictures of the real nice Koi's, to the export center. Once the quarantine period is over sometime this week, it should be heading to Europe, in time for summer.

Phew ... didn't realise there were so many things to consider in a Koi enterprise. *Admires San* ... I really respect San for his entepreneurship.

My reward for the visit was 4 snakehead fishes (1 kg+ each). These fishes are reared in a few ponds, because their refuse is actually used as feed for hatchlings ... One Fish's Shit is Another's Meat? ... and around CNY each year, they would give some to us (it's a delicacy to my dad).


We got 4 snakehead fishes (Sang Yu) from San.

So ... here's what happened to these fishes. Vegetarians, please look away and keep your comments to yourselves !!

We took the 4 fishes to a local restaurant on Sunday night, had 1 steamed, 2 sliced and cooked with ginger and spring onions, and one more deep friend and then cooked with beehon (rice noodles) "Yu Tau Mai". Then we invited a few family friends, an uncle and a cousin nearby, and viola ... dinner is served.



Yummy-li-cious

I don't normally do fishes, but I have to admit that this fish is delicious, despite the many bones.
Goes well with a small dose of whisky too ;). Yeah, my uncle coaxed me out of my self-imposed alcohol ban ... but only very little ... Wong Sifu, Taikotang, Sean ... your not lost is my gain. Thanks for Fong Fei Kei ...

Oh, yeah, the disclaimer part. Look, I am not a professional Koi farmer, I'm professional procrastinator. Information in this page about rearing Koi's are based on the talk given to me by San. And with my notoriously short attention span, I won't be surprised some facts might have been omitted or misreported. If you start a Koi farm based on my writeup, you have my blessings and best wishes, but you would do extremely well to consult professional help. Please don't sue me if you don't make it. If you make it, you are free to contribute some gratitude fees to me, but that's entirely up to you.