Top Ten New Cabinet Surprises

Well, in the aftermath of a historic General Elections, the new Malaysian cabinet was revealed earlier yesterday. Besides the expected down sizing, there were a few obvious surprises. However, not many media pundit pointed out the real surprises.

So, as a community service to Malaysians at large, I'm going to point out the Top Ten New Cabinet Surprises :

• What? Only 2 Finance Ministers?
  

• No Special Adviser with Full Ministerial ranking to advise on how to stay awake ? Disappointing !

• Many were relieved to hear that Mawi wasn't appointed as Minister to boost popularity amongst young voters.

• How the PM steadfastly refused to rename the Energy, Water and Communications Ministry as the Earth, Wind and Fire Ministry despite impassioned pleas from the other cabinet members.

• Samy's toupee wasn't appointed even as a deputy minister ! How can ??!??

• To try and connect with younger voters, the PM now starts each sentence with : "Yo, Dawg !"
  

• In yet another effort to appeal to younger voters, a new cabinet post is created to look for all the missing Edison Chen photos.
  

• What happened to the Minister in the PM Department In-Charge of Searching for Hidden Cameras?

• To keep BN relevant, Malaysians will vote out a cabinet member each week ... opps ... that's American Idol. Wrong channel ... :P
  

• Where's Kementerian Mat Rempit ?

So, there you go people ... the Top Ten New Cabinet Surprises ! Now, let's sit back, relax and see how the country either fall apart spectacularly or improves dramatically in the next few years !

Top Ten Signs Your Doctor is Fake

Did you guys see one of the headlines on The Star today? Why doesn't it surprise me to find fake doctors around?

It's freaky, isn't it?

So you're feeling sick. Unwell. You have something in you that's making you feel terrible. You've tried panadols, you've had over the counter medication. You even tried the old wives recipe your mum told you. And still, you ain't feeling any better. So what do you do?

You dig up your company's group insurance card, if you work for a company that actually cares about your welfare. Or you withdraw the last of your savings. You'll need it ... because you're about to see a doctor !

But how in heaven would you be able to tell between a real and a fake doctor ? Here, hopefully, are some Top Ten Signs Your Doctor is Fake that you can use ...

• When you look closely at the certs on his wall, it says: "World's Greatest Foot Masseur" and "Sijil Pemandu Bertauliah"

• Checks for heartbeat by putting his stethoscope on your knees.

• "Nurse Fatimah" looks suspiciously like the doctor himself in a wig !

• He fainted when he saw the blood while collecting a blood sample from you.

• When you told the doctor you had a bad case of diarhhea, he asks you to show him where you have the diarhhea.
  

• To see if you really have a fever, he asks you to hold a thermometer inside your nose for 3 minutes.

• When you went to collect your urine test results, he told you that your urine was too salty, and that it tasted a little funny to him.

• For your cough, he's prescribing you two packs of Fisherman's Friend.
  

• Checks your symptoms by referring to episodes of "House M.D" and "Grey's Anatomy"

• You thought he was writing a prescription. He was really making this Top Ten List !!!

I hope with these signs, you can tell a real doctor from a fake one .... LOL ...

Top Ten Signs James Bond Is Different

It's James Bond season again. Once in a while, when a new Bond movie comes around, the whole world stops and watch.

Pierce Brosnan was a slick Bond, but he appeared more capable of talking his way out of situations than blasting the enemy to pieces. I like him, but I wanted a bit more grit. And when they announced the new Bond - Daniel Craig ... I thought ... Daniel who ? But from the teasers, this is a gritty Bond .... I like what I'm seeing.

That said, it's probably time to break my self imposed cinema ban and step back into a movie theather. But you know, there are many movies where you realise after watching that the best bits were the ones in the trailer. So, I'll be watching closely to see if there are any differences in the new Bond movie that might render this movie limp ...

• Because of budget cuts to the MI5, Bond now drives a mid sized Toyota sedan instead of his Aston Martin.

• To keep up with the times, Bond now wears lots of bling blings.

• Bond's new super duper hi-tech gadget: a handphone that also takes pictures.

• Meeting with M now takes place in the local pub.

• Instead of befriending supermodels and drop dead gorgeous women, he's looking for his date from Friendster and MySpace.

• The opening scene shows Bond escaping from a shopping center after shoplifting a pack of condoms from 7-11.

• Celebrates successful mission by buying a holiday to Bangkok from Air Asia.

• Wants his Martini, "Ice Blended, not stirred".

• Keeps his bosses up-to-date by keeping a blog.

• The casino is in Genting Highlands.

Top Ten Excuses for Building a Palace without approvals

Ah ... Malaysian politics. Nothing like good old politics ... councillors building 'small' houses without getting approval.

Oh, sure, we're very certain the architect is at fault here. It's not the builder, it's the architect.

Sure, you've submitted plans that were NOT approved but you went ahead because it involved costs.

Why of course, you are going to resubmit them for approval after Raya. But AFTER you went ahead and built it anyway.

And still, they think reporters are wrong to report it, and wish for a quiet Raya. Are reporters supposed to write good things about you then, Mr Councillors ?

Hmm ... makes me wonder why do some houses get torn down for not having approved plans, and why some stay around. Maybe it's who the owner is ??

You may have noticed that I'm honking mad over this. There is no reason whatsoever the people who're supposed to be our 'leaders' are flouting the rules. And believe me, these are the same people who will enforce the rules against YOU if they see fit.

I mean, let's see what'll happen to me if I decide to extend my buildings without getting proper approval from MPSJ ...

And if the news is to be believed, the councillor even turned his back to an 'invitation' to meet the Sultan of Selangor. Now, that's rude in any language ...

So, what's your excuse Mr. Councillor? What's your excuse?

• "No, it's not a palace. It's a chill out place for Mat Rempits ... "
  

• Chicks dig palaces.

• Reliably informed by his son that as councillor, he is above the law.

• "Plans? I thought you need to submit glands?"

• Hey, if you've got THAT much money to spend, will you wait for approval ?

• "Look, wiseguy, I approve the plans here. *Ehem* ... I hereby approve my plans."

• Did I mention chicks dig palaces?

• Why are you all discussion trivial issues like this? Let's talk about somethign real, a pressing problem in society. Let's talk about Mat Rempits instead ...

• When a man has THAT many cars to park, do you think he'll care about plan approvals?
  

• Desperate to be featured on MTV's "Pimp My Palace"

Top Ten Questions You Should Ask Before You Eat Bread

In the quest to be number one in everything, Malaysian bread manufacturers have discovered how to create the number one long lasting bread in the world - just add up to 5 times more preservatives. Don't take my word for it, there is a news report about the government probing the claims of unsafe levels.

I guess it might be conceivable that with such high amounts of preservatives in our breads, we'll finally solve the problems the Egyptians couldn't solve all those years. No need for secret embalming recipes. Just eat bread.

Now ... you know how this works. In Bolehland, the way to deal with these is to do the contradictory message routine. One ministry will be investigating the claim. Next ministry will strongly deny the claims. Third ministry will advise public to be cautious. And after we, the rakyat gets totally confused, either the problem just dies away, or all the bread manufacturers will be asked to close shop, and a bread monopoly will be created. To safeguard us.

Anyways, in between the time it takes for the tests to be run, you can either stop eating bread altogether, or start a new breakfast toasted wheat biscuit. Or you could do the simple, not guaranteed to work, Top Ten Questions You Should Ask Before You Eat Bread ....

• It's still healthier eating this bread than gorging on a upsized burger meal, right?

• Is my wife trying to harm me by making me toasts for breakfast all these years?

• This could potentially safe my loved ones thousands and thousands in embalming costs, no?

• How would this bread taste with pickled olives? They're both preserved ...

• Is this the reason why my local HyperMarket was selling bread loaves at 25 sen each?
  

• Wouldn't it be selfish of me to not share most of this bread with my @^*& boss for breakfast?

• If I smoke, drink and do incessant amounts of ridiculously priced coffee, what's a bit of bread?
  

• Wait a minute ... upsized burger meal will kill me faster ... this bread will preserve me ... doesn't that mean they'll cancel each other out?

• Bread? I thought it's too much preservatives in instant noodles, right?

• Instead of throwing this bread away, can it be used as rat poison instead?

So, kids, do your tests. Ask yourselves these important questions before you decide to binge on bread. It might be more unhealthier that you initially thought !!!

Top Ten Flavors I Don't Want In My Mooncake

Ah ... the Chinese Mid Autumn Festival, popularly known as the Mooncake festival.

This idea for a Top Ten really came up while having lunch today, when a discussion about the absurdities of the modern, commercialised Mid Autumn Festival, which falls in early October this year, took place.

Mid Autumn Festival evokes memories of young children, cheerfully playing with lanterns, the elders gathering round to appreciate the moon (that's what seung yuet literally means), and eating a slice of ....*cue: silly music theme* ... durian flavored mooncake !!! *stop silly music theme*

Look people, I know it's what they call ... innovativeness ... but durian flavored mooncakes? Why not manggis flavoring? Why no rambutan flavor? It's getting crazy, I'll tell you, the marketing gimmicks surrounding mooncakes. Every confectionary is trying to outdo the competition by producing more outlandish mooncakes, be it in terms of flavors, packaging or marketing.

While I still enjoy my mooncakes whenever I can, I hope I won't have to give it up someday just because mooncakes will stop becoming mooncakes.

So, what will make Moz stop mooning mooncakes? These are the top then flavors that would have me run in the opposite direction ... and more so if you add a couple of salted eggs in there ...

• Dragon Fruit <-- sadly, my mum just walked in with Dragon fruit flavored jerky ... what's happening with the world ???

• Ah Yat Abalone. Or Shark's Fin, for that matter.

• Chai Latte
  

• Coca Cola. <-- I hope no one's done a Coke flavored moon cake yet ...

• Ginseng, Gingko Biloba, or any other healthy herbs ... as if there aren't enough 'health food' out there already ...
  

• Beef Rendang

• Ngan Yin Cap Tangan peanut butter <-- if ever, they come up with this product in the first place ...

• Brand's Chicken Essense
  

• Diamond Energy Water
  

• Power Root Tongkat Ali (tm) <-- Imagine Mawi promoting Kuih Bulan perisa Power Root Tongkat Ali !!!
  

Top Ten Signs You're Suffering from Blogger's Block

Man, you can't even start imagining how tortured I am not being able to update this blog more often ... you don't know how hopeless I felt all those nights, just being able to browse the Net without finding much to blog about. And you don't really want me to rattle off about how impossibly boring and intense work was, right?

The long hours at work trying to clear the in-tray did not help as well ... it's just a major torture ... I'm sure with a bit of time, I can coax something out of my fatigued brain, but with the long hours, sleep obviously takes precedence.

I looked into my photo archives, and thought about posting some of those. I'm sure no one's seen much of the Thailand photos I have, right? But ... that was so ... uninspiring. I'll use 'em sometime else when I can actually write something useful instead.

I wanted to write top ten lists about current affairs in the country, but I wanna stay away from political matters. The way things are now, I could end up in the slammer if I'm not careful.

And I'm back in Malaysia, so not much I can blog about that you don't already know ... it's not like I'm in Sydney or some other gorgeous country ... so ... it's official, I guess ... I have blogger's block.

So, the techie in me decided to analyse the problem, and see where it all went wrong. The soul searching resulted in a list of excuses. It's called the Top Ten Signs You're Suffering from Blogger's Block ..

• The most interesting subject you can think of - "And so, I watched my toenails grow ..."

• You start drafting entries, but never go beyond the 4th sentence.

• The thought of doing a bimbo entry actually crossed my mind ... "Oh .. Look, what beautiful nails I have ..."

• In a moment of weakness, you wanted to just go to some fancy restaurant and order something really expensive so that you can blog about it.

• You start complaining to anyone who would listen that there aren't enough people doing stupid things for you to write silly Top Ten lists about. I mean, where are all the silly people?

• Suddenly, the idea of writing an entry about THAT tatto, you know, the one down THERE, doesn't seem like such a bad idea, after all.

• Er .... er ... er .... hehe .... er ....
  

• You were actually praying for someone to tag you with a meme of some sort. I mean, where the hell are all the memes when you need 'em?

• The only Top Ten list you can create is one about blogger's block.

• Your nick is Moz Monster

Top Ten Sings Signs Your Laptop Will Be Recalled Soon

It's been a while since I've done any Top Ten lists, it doesn't even feel like it's the What Talk You? blog. So, I held back the other posts that I wanted to put out and waited till I could put this one out.

I don't know if it's even on the radar in Malaysia, but did you all know that Dell is recalling many of its laptops because of a faulty Sony-manufactured batteries that could burst out in flames. But no panic, please. If you're affected, Dell is going to call you. At least that's what's happening in most of the world anyways. I know because I have contacts with 2 big companies that are using Dell laptops.

Anyways ... if you're worried and want to know if your laptop will be recalled soon ... here are some other signs to look for.

1. It only runs a program when you say "Pleeeeeeease" and blinks adorably at it.
2. Bursts into flames whenever you watch some 'hot' videos, if you get what I mean.
3. Will only work on when you put it on you lap.
   
4. Your laptop insists it should be running on Windows 1972.
5. Thanks to a manufacturing defect, it only runs on car battery.
6. You need to fly a kite during a thunderstorm to charge the batteries.
   
7. According to the manual, it needs to be fed 3 times daily. And it prefers organic food.
   
8. It has that shiny sticker that says "Viruses Inside"
   
9. You've always been suspicious about the need to change the oil every 3 months.
   
10. The mouse just ate your mousepad.

And of course, that's all made up. Jokes. Things to laught about. Except the Dell battery recall. Please hop over to the Dell website to learn more if you believe you may be affected.

Update: There is a dedicated website http://www.dellbatteryprogram.com where you can check if your battery - but not the entire laptop is affected by the recall. Do check it out if you're wondering if you're affected.

Top Ten Signs Your Referee Is Nuts ...

I've avoided the normal World Cup posts because there are enough people blogging about the World Cup ... practically every second blogger around town is blogging about the World Cup. While I do have World Cup fever, and I do watch games, my fever is a mild one.

I'm not one of those people who go mad looking at 22 players chasing a ball under the watchful eyes of 3 men dressed in striking colors holding whistles and flags. If you don't know better, the previous sentence could have described lunatics in mental institutions playing police-and-thief. No?

Anyways, this World Cup, if you listen to England fans, have been marred by a crazy referee. Why of course, since the English players couldn't finish off the many chances they created, and since they can't really showcase the high standard of footballing expected of them, why of course it is the referee's fault. The referee was crazy.

But in truth, there has always been and will always be crucial decisions that are controversial.

And to help you, the discerning viewers in the few matches left in the World Cup, here are some signs you should look out for in match officials, signs that show them being nuts ...

• Starts swapping his shirt with another player - before the game starts.

• Starts swapping pants with players - during the game.
  

• Your referee decided to stop using the whistle, and starts using a harmonica instead.
  

• Everytime the ball goes out of play, he orders the players to do the salsa before restarting to make the game more entertaining.
  

• To help him decide close calls, he has opened an SMS hotline where you, the viewers, can SMS your opinion in for his consideration. Conditions and Rules apply.

• His punishment for deliberate handball? Death by firing squad !!

• During the half time break, he entertains the crowd by tieing up and tickling the least favourite player (as voted by the crowd) from both teams.
  

• Don't want a red card? Sure. Just substitute by singing the new Paris Hilton song while doing nude squats. (Yeah, I think all the aunties want this ... especially if Italy plays ...)
  

• Everytime a player is down injured, he asks for a helicopter to do a medivac.
  

• To show that he's fair and just, he officiates the match blindfolded while carrying a balancing scale.

And there's more ... since I have a bit of inspiration between now and the start of the semifinals ...

• Shows the yellow card to players who spit during the game - and in the process sending off all 22 players ...

• Can't decide whether the ball crossed the line? Flip a coin ...

• When a game is slow and boring, he moves to the sidelines, starts to eat kuaci and let the 2 linesmen referee the game instead.

• To spice up the game, turns up for matches in 2-piece bikinis. Unshaven.

• Players can now chose between taking a free kick, or slapping the offender with their boots for minor fouls.

• To promote an easy going atmosphere, officiates matches while wearing Hawaii shirts and sarongs.

• To further promote an easy going atmosphere, insists that Kenny G music be played in the background during all matches.
  

• Whenever players complaint about his decisions, he chases them with his gavel and knocks them on the head.
  

Top Ten Things Superman had been doing the last 20 years

Well, folks, it's now pretty well known that I got turned away during the ill-fated, much complained about preview of Superman Returns. I've put that incident behind me now, and I've sworn off cinemas for at least 6 months. I have re-opened a standing account with the local DVD-9 seller.

But you know why the flying man with tight underwear worn externally was so eagerly anticipated? Because he's been away for the last 20 years or so. Poor man. One wonders where he had been, and why didn't he stop great natural disasters and human tragedies all those years. I mean, he can't be always saving people who cross the street without looking right, then left, then right again, right? Be ambitious a bit lah ...

So ... where would he have been all these while? Oh, far from idling around and building fat around his waist, he's been around, ok.

• He was gainfully employed by the Works Ministry to keep the Middle Ring Road 2 flyover from falling down. And when he left to make the new movie, that's when the flyover had to be closed ...

• Superman did get a contract to bend a straight bridge into a scenic one in Johor Bharu. Unfortunately, that contract was canceled. =(
  

• Became the stunt double for Keanu Reeves in The Matrix. Remember how Neo could fly around?
  

• Was seen sometime in the past in some car repair shop in SS2, using his X-Ray vision to check wheel alignment and realigning bad wheels with his super human strength.
  

• Hired by Mid Valley GSC to chase away stubborn patrons who want to bring laptop into the cinema with his heat vision.

• Took a year long round the world trip backpacking with Batman, Robin and Wonder Woman to "discover himself".
  

• He was actually on WWE Raw as a masked wrestler called Dude Spandex.

• Took part in Fear Factor Superheroes where he lost out when he chickened out at a stunt where he was supposed to eat durians. (Yup, like most Ang mohs, he can't take durian too ...)
  

• Remember one of the Petronas Towers was tilted during construction? Guess who straightened that?
  

• For a while he was the standing in at KLIA checking luggage with his X Ray vision whenever the X-Ray machines there broke down.

Top Ten Things KL Can Do To Be Friendlier ...

Well, the survey's in. Our people are RUDE - so says Reader's Digest. You can read it here.

You can start a comment war here and flame me, but I'm not taking sides. I'm not saying whether we are rude or otherwise. Everytime I think we're nice people, some rude people will turn up and wreck my day. And everytime I think the whole KL's gone south with politeness, some angelic, helpful people turn up and show me some love.. so I really can't decide, to be honest.

So ... whatever you think, I can see your point of view. We're probably not as bad as we're made out to be, but we're probably not as good as we think we are as well.

But just for fun, I'm making a Top Ten list about how KL can be friendlier ...

• Pass new law making it compulsory for snatch thieves to ask for permission from victim before stealing.

• You get your purchase free if the shopkeeper or assistant doesn't thank you.
  

• Instead of ignoring and chasing away salesmen who approach them when they are having teh tarik, KLites have been advised to invite the salesmen for a drink with them instead.

• Tax rebates now available for friendly people. It's called 'Rebat Sopan Santun'.
  

• Rude students will be allocated with courses they don't want in far away places when they apply for a place in a local university. Also valid for students with rude parents.
  

• After taking duit Starbucks from you, policemen will send you a nice Thank You card.

• The Religious department is establishing a vigilante group that will 'advise' people when they are not friendly.

• Create a Royal Commission On Friendliness to deliberate on this matter for the next 2 years, produce a 2000 page report and ... well ... do nothing else.
  

• Taxi drivers will now tell you up front that you're being ripped off.
  

• Drivers are advised to use official sign language to swear at each other instead of just using the finger.
  

Top Ten Signs You've Been Watching Too Much 'Star Wars'

I don't know if it's me, or if it's real, but lately, there has been way too many people I've been in touch with who're talking about Star Wars. It's Star Wars this, Star Wars that. It's getting to me, ok? I really don't have a clue why it's such a big deal.

There was a chat last night with some football kakis that drifted into the topic of Star Wars. Ok, I know England is like, boring. But Star Wars?

And then this morning, there was a small chat in the office that evolved into another Star Wars discussion. Full blown, blow-by-blow details on each of the 6 movies.

Look, I enjoy all 6 movies, but did you guys really have to make it like the centerpiece of your life?

If you don't think you've been watching Star Wars too often, then you shouldn't display any of the symptoms in this list then ...

• Your two dogs are called "R2" and "D2". And when their puppies are "C", "3", "P" and "O".
  

• You will only date girls who dress like Princess Leia

• Favorite pickup line: "May my force be with you?"

• Next favorite pickup line: "Wanna see my light saber?"

• Your version of Mr. Perfect? Tall, Dark and Hairy :- Chewbacca
  

• When you are deep in trouble, you ask yourself what Jar Jar Binks would do in the same situation.

• You wear a Darth Vader helmet whenever you ride your Honda kapcai to work. And your kapcai's nickname is the Death Star.
  

• Your sex life is strictly 'Han Solo'. Get my drift?

• You keep a photo of Yoda in your wallet to inspire you.

• You only help people when they use the magic words: "Obi Wan !! You are my only hope !!"
  

Top Ten Signs You're Taking Too Much Sugar

Ok guys. It's out in the news. Malaysians consume 2.5 times the sugar they need. We're all sugar addicts, ok?

Don't believe me? Read the papers. Here.

Yeah, I know its sad, but you and I, we're all taking in way too much sugar. Yessir, I think the signs are there for all to see. And I'm already thinking that mamaks who overdo their teh tariks should be all hauled up and thrown in jail because they're creating health problems down the road for us Malaysians. But who are we kidding? We're all responsible ourselves, ok?

But, wait. You say - NOPE. You're not taking too much sugar?

OK. Suit you. But here are Top Ten Signs You're Taking Too Much Sugar.

• When you forget to flush after peeing, the ants will come.

• When the nurse took your blood sample and gave it to the doctor, the doctor rejected it and reminded the nurse that he wanted a blood sample, not a tube of syrup.

• To make your teh tarik, here's what the mamak has to do: "Put 14 spoons of sugar. Add 4 spoons of sweetened condensed milk. Add hot tea. Stir like mad until everything's dissolved".

• The instructions says "Put sugar as desired to flavor". And you empty a whole gunny sack of sugar into the cheesecake you're baking.

• This year, the entire sugar industry is depending on you to make a profit.
  

• The Health Ministry has issued a circular announcing that you have been declared as bio-hazardous because it's now possible to get diabetes just by touching you.

• When Superman used his X-Ray vision on you, all he could see was cubes and cubes of sugar.
  

• You ask the waiter to bring you some syrup to add to your mug of cold beer.
  

• Dracula is sending you a lawsuit because after he got diabetes after drinking your blood.

• You simply can't sleep without eating 2 spoons of sugar.
  

Hehe ... hope non of these apply to any of you guys.

Top Ten Ways The Higher Petrol Price Is Impacting ..

It's been a while since I've done a Top Ten thingy. Not much time with the new job bearing down on me, and with some other things happening in my own life as well. But since we're at it, why not ??

It's been a few months now since the gahmen decided it's a good idea to do away with some petrol subsidy, and since then, while the gahmen is acting like all is fine and dandy, we the rakyat faces the crunch. I haven't seen any real action with regards to improving public transportation - I'm a little embarrased to think I actually thought they would really do that in the first place. Heck, as long as our ministers gets police escorts that cut through all the traffic congestion, like, hell no - they're not going feel the pain we do.

Anyways, if you really ask me ... here's how The Higher Petrol Price Is Impacting ...

• Pizza Hut will now only deliver to places they can walk to. And they can't guarantee the pizza won't be all cold and soggy when you get it.

• Girls who stay 10km or further have turned me down - I'm now too expensive to date.

• My mamak sessions lately have been conducted by video conferencing to save costs.

• The delivery charges have actually become more expensive than the flowers I'm sending. So I've stopped secretly admiring anyone anymore.

• Girls no longer dig guys in IT line. Or any other line, for that matter. Girls now dig guys who run petrol stations. =(

• The fancy restaurants had stopped accepting credit cards, and will now accept either cash, or petrol.

• Houses built more than 10 minutes from petrol stations can't sell - they're too expensive to live in !

• Suddenly, your parents are ashamed of you at family gatherings because you don't have a job in the Oil & Gas sector.

• It really hurts you lots when you realise that the petrol pump attendant is probably going to get more bonus than you this year !!

• In the not so distant future, it will be romantic to give your girlfriend a truckload of petrol for Valentine's Day.

And since I'm all fueled up with nowhere to go, here's a couple more ...

• The F1 cars would all be running on electric engines starting from next season.

• The PM's convoy will be converted from all Perdana's and Benz's to bullock carts and bicycles soon.

• All the besi buruk thieves are now turning into siphon petrol thieves.

• Disney is modifying it's "Cars" animated movie to show cars drinking Cappucino and Mocha from Starbucks instead of petrol.

• The next time a tai kor comes and asks for protection fee, you have the option of paying in the form of petrol as well.

• Whenever you get pulled over by the traffic cops, they will now ask for duit Petronas instead of duit Starbucks.
  

Top Ten Adjustments I Am Doing To Conserve Electricity

Ok. Adjust yourselves. You'll hear some very similar excuses soon. "Our power prices is still the lowest in the region ...", "The price of goods should not be increased ...". You get the drift.

If you haven't heard, the electricity tariff is increasing at an average of 12% on 1st June. This means you've been hit twice this year ... yes, we've had a petrol price increase. And while we're promised there isn't another increase this year, no one told us we won't get a water or electricity tariff increase.

So, with the hole in your pocket getting just that much bigger, what can you do to combat the likelihood of poverty that this electricity price increase will bring about ??

Here, the Top Ten Adjustments I Am Doing To Conserve Electricity ...

• I'm gonna start getting used to cold showers instead of hot / warm showers.

• I'm hiring foreign workers to fan me to keep me cool - like how the Roman Emporers get fanned in the movies. Screw the air conditioners. It's cheaper.
  

• I'm replacing all the bulbs at home with jars full of fireflies.
  

• I'll force my sister to generate her own electricity whenever she wants to watch 20 episodes of Korean serials in one go.
  

• Please contact me if you have one of those antique coal powered irons, ok?

• I'm stopping all my all-day BitTorrent downloading with immediate effect. I'll now just do BitTorrents from 8 pm - 8 am ...

• I'm scraping all the Hip Hop / Rave / House parties planned at my place and replacing 'em with Pajamas parties. You need less lighting for Pajamas parties.
  

• Next time I see my mum about to use the electric kettle, I'll stop her, and give her a magnifying glass instead.
  

• To all my friends that are coming over to watch World Cup, I'm charging an electricity surcharge. You have been warned - but I'll waiver if you'll bring a six pack.
  

• I'll have to ask my friends to stop using my microwave oven to dry their socks and underwear. Just hang 'em out to dry, will ya? Yes, even if it means people will see that you're wearing underwear with Power Puff girl pictures.
  

Top Ten Dumb Guys Way To Crack Da Vinci Code ...

Ok ... let me confess first before I proceed ... yes, I'm sure I want to confess ... no, I won't change my mind ...

While the entire world was swept up by the Da Vinci code fever (much like the Harry Potter craze) and went nuts over firstly the Dan Brown book, and now the movie starring Tom Hanks ... I practically gave it no notice. I didn't read the book - I don't like best sellers. And I haven't watched the movies - I hate queuing up to get tickets. Or calling to book 'em. Or buying 'em off Internet. I simply wait till the craze had died down a little before watching movies - after all there are no prizes for watching movies first.

Anyways, like I've mentioned, the world is ablazed with Da Vinci code madness. And I'm starting to feel a bit of it too ... and likewise most people on the street ...

And here ... the Top Ten Dumb Guys Way To Crack Da Vinci Code ...

• "What Da Vinci y'all talking 'bout man?"

• "Forget it man ... it's another rip off like 'em Sudoku puzzles ... I ain't cracking my brains over that ..."

• "Look, you don't crack a Da Vinci Coat, ok? You tear a Da Vinci Coat, understand? Your England damn keng, ok?"

• "Ok, first you need to understand that you have to use the numbers 1-9 only once diagonally and horizontally. Then you ... "
  

• "I don't care what Code it is, it'll crack up when I tell 'em this joke .."

• "Just fast forward the DVD to the last chapter ..." <- These are the same people who would probably fast forward all Jet Li movies to the fight scenes only ...
  

• "Ha!! Speak to the devil. You'll get more than just the answer to the Da Vinci Code ... you'll get other juicy gossips as well. But devil will ask you to trade in your soul lor ..."

• "Just bite it open ... Da Vinci Code is a new type of nut, right?" - Alvin the Chipmunk

• Just let the Hardy Boys have a go at it ... or if you're a girl, maybe you'll give Nancy Drew a chance. No?
  

• Apparently, Da more Vinci shoes you buy, Da better your chances to crack the Code. So get going, all Da girls ... and Da cross dressing guys ...
  

Top Ten Pet-Peeves About Holidaying Alone

Well, I'm finding myself in Singapore today, and maybe Sydney next week, then Bangkok the week next. It's kinda exciting. Anyways, if you've been reading my blog recently, you'll realise I've been in Beijing and also on the East Coast of Malaysia. Beijing was a work trip with some tourism activity slated into the free time between work. East Coast is a blast, a great holiday by any measures ... but ...

But for the past few years, most of my holidays were all taken alone. Yes, I've been either holidaying on my own, or I've been doing it so last minute my friends all can't get leave approved.

While taking a holiday all on your own is great, there are times when there are problems. Here's like the Top Ten Pet-Peeves About Holidayin Alone ...

• I normally end up eating in McDonald's or some other fast food place because there's no one taunting me to down the scorpion instead. =(

• There's always one part of the back that gets a nasty sunburn cause no one is helping me with the sunblock.

• Everytime I tell the folks I snorkeled along a whale shark or a school of dolphins, they think I'm imagining it. Or exaggerating. Or inventing it. Damn.
  

• Like how I never the the photos properly cause I always end up taking my own photos ...

• The guys at the hotel, resort, chalet or hostel always ask you why you're travelling alone. Heck, it's not against the law to travel alone, OK ???

• That when I need to pee in the bushes, there's no one to look out for me ... =(

• No one to encourage me to go and chat with those pretty girls I meet on holidays =(

• No one wakes me up if I oversleep and will miss a flight, bus, sunrise, a hike, a city tour ... oh well, you get the idea. I soooOOOooooOOo need a travel alarm clock. But they don't normally work. On holidays, I normally need someone to shove me about to wake me up.

• When I run out of money, I can't simply borrow from my travel mate. Which means I normally spend 15% of vacation time looking for ATM machines or Currency Exchange Guys ...
  

• Can't get drunk because I'm pretty sure I won't be able to stagger all the way back to the hotel without getting something stolen, or worse still ... I might get brokebacked !!! *gasp*
  

Top Ten Things That Should Have Tax Rebates ...

There is spring, summer, autumn and winter. And then there is tax season.

Like much of the seasons elsewhere on earth, it's all different according to where you are. In Bolehland, tax season happens to be about 1 week before the deadline to around the last afternoon before submission deadline. The most intense time happens around 3 days before deadline.

Anyways, enough with our nation of procrastination habits. I'm really sore this year because I didn't get much rebates for my taxes. Reason?

Oh well, apart from me spending nearly all of 2005 in Thailand and the fact that I'm not a very good receipt keeper, I'm also feeling hard done by the limited amount of rebates for people like me who fall in the middle. I'll admit I'm not poor, but I'm not putting myself in the rich bracket as well. The middle class - where most of us probably fall into - are screwed.

Anyways, I'm just indulging in my own little fantasy on items that should have Tax Rebates. Like really lame ones, but ones that would have made be really, really, happy.

• There should be a rebate for purchase of original CDs, VCDs and DVDs mah. I know it'll still be tempting to buy all those Petaling Street prints, but at least for people like me who support original, there's something in it for me, right?

• Bloggers like me should be given Streamyx frustration rebate - for all the phone calls, emails, time wasted, broadband wasted, etc. for complaining to Streamyx lah ... and then the garmen should charge the rebates to Streamyx. Then only they will feel padan muka and buck up.

• Drivers who don't kena saman in the whole year should take a lie detector test to check whether they have given duit Starbucks or not. If they pass (ie haven't paid any duit Starbucks) - then they should get a BIG rebate lah. Call it 'Rebat Anti-Rasuah'
  

• And drivers who failed the lie detector test should also get a BIG rebate lah .... and then charge the rebate to the police. Maybe then the duit Starbucks culture would stop. And hehe ... we can call this 'Rebat Anti-Budaya Duit Starbucks'
  

• I think we're all entitled to a 'Rebat Jambatan Scenic Terbelangkai' this year ... am I right, folks?
  

• Akademi Fantasia and Malaysian Idol SMS Voting Rebates - damn some people I know spent like months' worth of salary voting for their idols, ok? I'm sure folks like Maxis and Digi pay loads and loads of corporate taxes already on all those SMS revenue.

• There should be a 'Rebat Jem Banjir Kilat' for all people who can prove they work in flash-flood prone areas. I mean, all that time, petrol and damage from the flash flood is paid out of our own pocket, you know.

• To encourage people to be more mathematically inclined, Borang BE should have a few sudoku puzzles. Solve those Sudoku puzzles - get a 10% rebate on your tax !!!
  

• For long suffering consumers of piped water, I propose we all get a rebates for all the water filter systems we have to buy on our own.
  

• Early Bird Rebate for all those who submit the forms at least 2 days before the deadline - break the last minute rush culture !!
  

Top Ten Lame Income Tax Excuses

Death and Taxes. The only things unavoidable in life - says someone to me. I can easily add a gazillion others, but I'm sure there's some truth in there.

In Bolehland, whether you Boleh or not, time's nearly up. It's time for you to go and submit your taxes. Have your checkbook ready. If you need to pay them, make sure you pay 'em up NOW. If they owe you money, well, look up Wikipedia for the accounting term "Bad Debt". It might help you to start accepting your fate now. Pay up.

But Bolehlanders being the strong optimists they are, always believe that we can finish our tax forms within 1 week and submit one. Some even believe it's ok to miss the deadline because it will be extended.

But the extreme ones are the ones who make up excuses, in hope of some form of respite. No respites la bro ... just do it like the rest of the rakyat lah .... anyways, here are the Top Ten Lame Income Tax Excuses ...

• "I mistook the form for Indah Water bill and simply threw it away."

• "But Daniel and Mawi told me if I spent lots of $$$ voting for them it would all be tax exempt !!" - Try at your own risk. Appears to be marginally successful if you are young female.
  

• "My ... sniff ... form .... sniff .... died from bird flu last week officer .." - Only pull this one if you're into the poultry farming industry.
  

• "It doesn't say anywhere on the form that a purple dinosour has to do taxes, Mr Officer" - Use only if the name on your MyKad is "Barney" and the Keturunan is "Raksaksa".
  

• "If I told you I'm allergic to Income Tax Self Assessment form, would you believe me?"

• "I can't pay any taxes because I pledged billions to the National Cancer Institute .." - Applicable only to self declared Lebanese billionaire
  

• "I know it's hard to believe - but Bigfoot promised to fill in the forms for me last week - but the damned fella disappeared and now I only have his footprints !" - sometimes successful for applications from certain parts of Johor.
  

• "I can't pay any taxes because my husband pledged billions to the National Cancer Institute .." - Please forge marriage cert to self declared Lebanese billionaire if you want to use this.
  

• "Your ... form .. cough .. printed ... with .. ack .. green ... kryptonite ink .. gasp .. I ... can't ... fill ...." - Applicable to Superman only lah ...
  

• "Aiks ... you not using the Chinese Lunar Calendar ah ?" - Moz Monster only
  

Just for fun, I'm second guessing what some other bloggers might say if they have to cough up a lame Income Tax excuse. Of course, I think some still lucky, don't have to pay taxes yet, while some have probably done better than me and already completed it. But, what the heck ...

• My dog Chester ate it ... Che-Cheh

• The terrapins ate it ... Pelf

• I lost it in an auto accident / The form got infected ... I.X.

• I used the form as rough paper to draft this Top Ten list ... Moz Monster

• KNN ... Linpeh where is my Incum Teks form lah ?? ... wingz

• omg omg I have to do income tax form already? *faints dramatically* ... cheng sim

• Damn. The freaking form makes me wanna down another shot of vodka spiked orange. And eat a baby. Tiu ... Fireangel

Top Ten Stupid Things To Say On The Job .

OK ... it's job time !!! I know so many people who're moving into the work force now. Guys and gals, welcome to the real world !! School, college and uni is nothing more than a honey moon.

If you thought that being put to the gun every semester when you're in school is stressful, working simply magnifies it. Pressure is constant.

Sometimes you have bosses who're simply anal. Or colleagues who simply get on your nerves. Or maybe just had a bad day. But whatever it is, somethings are probably not worth saying on the job.

No kidding. Sometimes, even in the heat of the moment, like when your boss insists you are wrong when he actually instructed you to do it wrong in the first place, when keeping your angry words with you help.

Anyways, here's the Top Ten Stupid Things To Say On The Job ...

• "Sir, I should really tell you that I didn't wash my hands after I went to the toilet because we're short here at the counter and in the kitchen." - Applicable to people working at counter in food outlets.

• "Look, sir, I know there's a fly in your soup. But let me assure you the fly must have been dead in the first place. We spray Ridsect in our kitchen every 15 minutes to keep the flies out ..."
  
  
• "I don't understand how a fat, balding, lazy loser like you can be my boss ..."

• "Wei, boss, how come you always come and disturb me sleeping one? Can't you see that people tired one meh?"

• "I ran out of red ink while finishing your bad ass skull, so I used pink instead ..." - Applicable to the tatoo man.
  

• "You mean it smells strange? Oh. Well, I ran out of shampoo, so I used the toilet bowl washer. I read it's got very good germ killing properties." - Please don't let me be on the receiving end of this in a hair saloon
  

• "I don't understand why you're so upset with me taking 2 hour long toilet breaks."

• "The food for the tiger didn't arrive on time, so I moved those rare Timbuktoo Mountain Goats into the Tiger Cage, just in case the tigers got hungry. You don't want the tigers to get hungry, do you?" - Applicable to animal caretakers working in zoos across the world. **Moz says: No tigers, Timbuktoo Mountain Goats or other animals, real or imaginary were harmed in the making of this Top Ten List, ok? OK?**

• "Wei, boss, you really expect me to do that ah? You pay peanuts, expect monkeys la you ..."

• "WOW!! Your daughter is ..." - go figure out the rest.