Top Ten Signs Your Referee Is Nuts ...

I've avoided the normal World Cup posts because there are enough people blogging about the World Cup ... practically every second blogger around town is blogging about the World Cup. While I do have World Cup fever, and I do watch games, my fever is a mild one.

I'm not one of those people who go mad looking at 22 players chasing a ball under the watchful eyes of 3 men dressed in striking colors holding whistles and flags. If you don't know better, the previous sentence could have described lunatics in mental institutions playing police-and-thief. No?

Anyways, this World Cup, if you listen to England fans, have been marred by a crazy referee. Why of course, since the English players couldn't finish off the many chances they created, and since they can't really showcase the high standard of footballing expected of them, why of course it is the referee's fault. The referee was crazy.

But in truth, there has always been and will always be crucial decisions that are controversial.

And to help you, the discerning viewers in the few matches left in the World Cup, here are some signs you should look out for in match officials, signs that show them being nuts ...

• Starts swapping his shirt with another player - before the game starts.

• Starts swapping pants with players - during the game.
  

• Your referee decided to stop using the whistle, and starts using a harmonica instead.
  

• Everytime the ball goes out of play, he orders the players to do the salsa before restarting to make the game more entertaining.
  

• To help him decide close calls, he has opened an SMS hotline where you, the viewers, can SMS your opinion in for his consideration. Conditions and Rules apply.

• His punishment for deliberate handball? Death by firing squad !!

• During the half time break, he entertains the crowd by tieing up and tickling the least favourite player (as voted by the crowd) from both teams.
  

• Don't want a red card? Sure. Just substitute by singing the new Paris Hilton song while doing nude squats. (Yeah, I think all the aunties want this ... especially if Italy plays ...)
  

• Everytime a player is down injured, he asks for a helicopter to do a medivac.
  

• To show that he's fair and just, he officiates the match blindfolded while carrying a balancing scale.

And there's more ... since I have a bit of inspiration between now and the start of the semifinals ...

• Shows the yellow card to players who spit during the game - and in the process sending off all 22 players ...

• Can't decide whether the ball crossed the line? Flip a coin ...

• When a game is slow and boring, he moves to the sidelines, starts to eat kuaci and let the 2 linesmen referee the game instead.

• To spice up the game, turns up for matches in 2-piece bikinis. Unshaven.

• Players can now chose between taking a free kick, or slapping the offender with their boots for minor fouls.

• To promote an easy going atmosphere, officiates matches while wearing Hawaii shirts and sarongs.

• To further promote an easy going atmosphere, insists that Kenny G music be played in the background during all matches.
  

• Whenever players complaint about his decisions, he chases them with his gavel and knocks them on the head.