Top Ten Signs Your Girlfriend Is About to Dump You

It's always hard to part with loved ones, especially if you've invested a lot of money, er, I mean, time into the relationship, such as the one with your beloved girlfriend. Or is she really your beloved ... ?

Guys in love are sometimes blind ... they walk on water, survive on a diet of mushy conversations, and mumble sweet nothings ... they are so blind they actually can't spot the tell tale signs that they're about to be booted out, that their best friend might soon be their left/right hand. Hell, some guys are perpetually blind.

It's a known fact that women actually pick up body language, subtle and obvious, much better than guys do, which really explains why some girls can tell right away if you think her butt is fat, if you are looking at that other girl fiddling with her laptop 2 desks behind her at Starbucks and when you were really out for a drink at TGIF watching EPL but told her you were at a friend's place giving moral support over his dead pet hamster ... but appreciates the fact that you lie anyways ... (or do they ?)

Guys? Not all that good at the body language department. I'll be the first to admit I'm one ... it's like don't you know when Yes is Yes and Yes is No? See? Can't tell the difference leh .... ha ... or when No is No but No is Yes ? Also cannot tell right? Which is why you've been taking her to the mamak stall on her birthdays when she told you you didn't need to do anything special .... or when you thought she was really happy to get a pet Colombian cockroach as an anniversary gift because she gave you a limp smile ... which is why you're about to get dumped ... and you still think you're a stud ...

In case you've been mistaking the oncoming train as the light at the end of the tunnel, I'm putting out the Top Ten Signs Your Girlfriend Is About to Dump You ...

1. She starts to label everything in the apartment as either “Mine” or “Loser’s”
2. Lately, she has been claiming to develop rashes if you hold her hands. Or kiss her. Or hug her. You get the point.
3. She’s been looking up the “Chasity Belt” section of Victoria’s Secret catalog.
4. Her new foreplay routine involves you getting tied to the bed while she sleeps thru the nite. On the floor. In the living hall.
   
5. "For the love of heaven, will you please wear something that won't make you look like Hillary Clinton?"
   
6. She tells you she still couldn’t see you this weekend because she’s still queuing up to get her free MyKad. And it’s the middle of January already!!
7. Moved out of the room to sleep in the hall because she claims her lame Feng Shui master told her it’s her new “Prosperity Position”. And, oh, same lame Feng Shui master told her your "Prosperity Position" is at your old room at your mum's. (Hint, hint)
   
8. She emptied her savings account to buy the entire series of "Chicken Soup for Those About To Be Single Again" ... just for read read only, she tells you ...
   
9. Recently, her love letters always start with "Dear Useless Jerk, ... "
   
10. "Yes, honey, your butt is fat ..."
    

Hope this will help guys who're hopelessly in love ... wake up !!! She's leaving ... and you're gonna be looking for me soon ... to have breakfast/lunch/dinner/movie/concert ... see the signs now, start buying her flowers and designer shoes that matches with her 49 handbags ... take her on a day trip to somewhere nice ... make her breakfast in bed ... give her an oil massage ... surprise her with a candlelight dinner ... do something, don't come to me !!! Arghhhh ... leave me alone !!

(Dedicated to you ... P-Man, don't let her walk out ... - seriously, she's the one, your Ms. Right ...)