Hitchiker's Guide to Complaining to Streamyx

Someday, when Alzheimer's has eaten away half my brain, and I'm still stuck in Bolehland with only TMNet providing broadband, this will come in really handy.

Just remember - your case 1258641 has been created on 1st April 2006- still not resolved today. Today 19th April 2006. Still in Progress. At this rate of daily progress, I should open betting to all of you - which one will come first? My EPF retirement fund payout or my Streamyx connection ??

What the hell is Streamyx?
Streamyx is a broadband Internet service based on ADSL technology that is provided by TM Net, a subsidiary of Bolehland telco giant Telekom Malaysia. Actually, its more like a monopoly. It's not really a monopoly. But you get the idea. It's one of those things where you're given a choice but don't have a choice. You know. It's like someone is asking you to kill yourself and you can die by poison, cutting your own wrist or jumping off a tall building. You get the drift.

Who is Customer Service?
The Customer Interaction Center (CIC) is at 1300-88-9515. You press 2 for English, then 1 for Streamyx and then 3 for technical problems.

You then exercise patience. It is mandatory to hear the IVR announcements about 50 times. It is important that you believe the IVR is sincere when it says that all the agents are busy, that you will attended to shortly and you are important. Listen. In the big scheme of things, if you live until you are 70-some, what is half an hour on the phone listening to the same, boring, dry announcement? Nothing. It is nothing.

Now. Eventually, the light at the end of the tunnel will appear. Do not let joy overcome you. That light is a train. Heading for you. Just lie down and let the train pass.

See, this is the part when your intelligence gets insulted. Is it your line? Is the DSL light on? Is it your modem's fault? Is there a problem with the power supply? Did you bypass the splitter? Did you reset your modem? Did you reboot your PC? Is there a problem with your phone line?

Go easy on the agent. I think they have to check off all these questions - otherwise the technicians will probably belittle the agent's intelligence.

Never Accept Still In Progress for an answer
The Standard Operating Procedure seems to be that "Still In Progress" is the best response ever. It appears that half of all Streamyx subscribers will drop the phone like a hot potato if they're told the case is "Still In Progress".

Don't accept that. What really is "Still In Progress"? Creating a case ID might be one. Just taking the case and keeping it on your desk is also progress. Be specific. Ask for details. Make them sweat. Make them figure out what's already happened.

Always Get a Supervisor
For some reasons no one can comprehend, the agents are super-protective of their supervisors. Ask to speak to a supervisor, and nine times out of ten, they'll ask you for the magic password. Here's an info nugget ... "Please .." is not the magic word. The magic word is not even a word. It's not even a sentence. It's more like a verbal diarrhea. You'll have to go and justify to the agent why you think he/she won't be able to take your problem to the next level and then have it all resolved.

And finally ... patience ...
Bolehland is really a paradox. You really think Bolehland is boleh? No way, jose. If we're really so good and everything is really boleh, then we don't have to call ourselves Bolehlanders. It would be something we will all understand. It's a given - Malaysians Boleh.

The only reason we're told Malaysia Boleh is because IMHO, it's to make people believe that we can. Really, we can't. If you have a Streamyx problem - complaining is essential, but it doesn't go anywhere because it's always "Still In Progress". And because this is Bolehland, you'll eventually see it solved. But don't count on it being resolved before global warming melts all the polar ice cap and each one of us live in underwater cities and travel to work in a submarine.

F*ck those guys. They called me yesterday to tell me that my problems' gone, and that I should try it out. So I went home and powered on the modem ... and guess what? Now the DSL light is off. I don't have DSL signal.

In solving (and I can't even confirm if the problem's solved) - they have created a second problem. TM Net might be private, but it sounds suspiciously like a government at work here ...