Dummies Guide to Hogging the Road

Road hogging is a Malaysian specialty. It's not restricted to just us Malaysians, but we do it best. No one even comes close to touching us on the matter of road hogs. Malaysia Boleh !!

How is it that we do this so well is a little beyond me. Moz not mind reader. However, if you want to excel at hogging roads, there are some simple, achievable tips for you:

Essential Road Hog Behaviour Guide
Recommended Speed: 20 - 40 km/h, depending on road condition, traffic condition and oncoming traffic.
Recommended Face Skin Thickness: Very Thick. Better still if your head is all skin and no brain.
Recommended In Car Music: Dondang Sayang. Very loudly, so you can pretend you can't hear the honks.
Recommended Look: Deer Staring into the headlights look.
Recommended Car: Expensive. Better still if you have Ahmad.

Tip #1: Location, location, location
Malaysia is perfect for road hogs, since the first rule of road hogging is this: You need a narrow road

So you need a narrow road. Better still if opportunity to overtaking is NIL. If it's a one way street in the middle of Melaka, you've found it. If it's a narrow trunk road between towns in the middle of nowhere, you've found it. If you're driving on a narrow lane up Fraser's Hill, you've found it. We have plenty of these roads, do we not?

Why does it matter? Because narrow roads make it hard to overtake, thus amplifying your hogging effect.

Tip #2: Traffic Flow is important too
Another key road hogging factor is: Works best when opposite traffic flow is heavy

If you attempt to hog the road when opposite traffic flow is light or non-existant, the end result is that you look like a fool. Believe me, you do. Try doing 20 km/h when you're driving on a road with NO traffic from the opposing direction. The other cars that come along will simply zip pass you, overtaking like a hot knive cutting thru butter.

So make sure you drive slowly and hog the road only when you have heavy oncoming traffic. Perfect places are like roads leading out from constructions sites (lots of lorries), rubbish dumps (lots of lorries), and JPJ Road Testing Centers (lots of drivers being tested). Most trunk roads are also good.

It makes it doubly infuriating when you hog the road only when your victims have no way to overtake you.

Tip #3: Make of car is important too
To increase the effect of road hogging: Drive impossibly expensive car where possible

When a Kancil hogs the road, when an ought-to-be-scrapped Datsun 120Y or when an antiquated car hogs the road, some people don't take it as badly as they would when, say, a Porsche 911 is hogging the road.

Can't quite explain this, but if you drive a car that's either (a) 2 litre and above or (b) impossibly expensive, the road hog effect increases.

Good cars to drive when road hogging includes: any make or model of BMW, Mercedes-Benz and Lexus, high-end Japanese models. It just seems that the impression is that if you have a big, flashly, expensive ride, you'll wanna push the pedal to the metal.

Tip #4: Cooperate where it makes sense
When you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Road hoggers united makes good effect !!

Imagine this ... there's a road hog already hogging the left lane. Actually, there's nothing wrong with that on a 2 lane road. It might take a little longer, but cars will get past on the right lane eventually.

So, in this situation, what to do? Why of course - cooperate. Why only one hogger and only on the left lane? You should immediately move to the right lane and hog traffic there too. In fact, you should drive shoulder-to-shoulder with the left lane hogger - it's a sign of solidarity !!

Tip #5: Take the path in the middle
No - this is not Buddishism class. The middle path here is litteral - no philosophical. Drive in the middle of the road

So you're driving on a two lane road. There's no other road hoggers you're aware of. Oncoming traffic is somewhat heavy. But it's a two lane road ... so how ?

Drive the car so that half is on the left lane, and half on the right lane. Stay that way. And maybe steer just teeny weeny bits to the left or right every once in a while. Just to make it that much more harder for the car behind to pass you.

So there ... tips for the road hogs. Keep it up guys, I'm so indebted to you folks because without road hogs, I would probably be accelerating so much I'd be pokai from all the petrol I need to pump every week.

I damn tired ... damn tired ...

I did not realised until I reached home today how much work I really have done ....

3 conference calls, 2 write ups, 2 documents reviewed, 1 schedule worked out, 1 cutover plan framework put in place. 1 working day. How do I even manage?

Today is like reaching a full stop. I so tired. I so don't want to work.

I have been up since 6.30. I am still working now. I damn tired. I damn no energy. I damn no motivation.

I so need a break. Tell me a joke, someone. Tell me a joke.

What should he do ?

Lemme do a Pelf styled blog today ... I'm gonna ask you: "What should he do?". Ok, maybe not exactly Pelf style - Pelf style with a twist ...

This is based on a real incident that just happened today ...

Someone's brother - let's call him A - was driving illegally - underaged and without a license. And since this is a "What should he do?" blog, obviously, A got into an accident - hit another car - damaged that other car, and injured the driver as well. Let's call the victim B

Now comes the poser - B takes A's MyKad. Take as in take possession, not as in take note or simply jotting it down. Take.

B then got A's mobile number. Of course A is scared. He's just done something criminal. Of course he's avoiding B's phone calls. What do you think an underaged boy who's just been in an accident will do?

So, A got his brother - let's call him C - involved. C spoke to A. C of course, is trying to do the right thing for his brother and resolve the situation.

A demands RM5,000 by tomorrow morning for settlement.

C doesn't have RM5,000 now. C's mum is in another state, but has the money to pay.

What should C do?

Report to police? After all B has acted illegally as well when he took possession of A's MyKad. And what's stopping B from reporting to police after the RM5,000 has been paid?

Settle? And hope to get the MyKad back as well as no further claims?

Pay the costs incurred plus some extra? Offer to pay for the car repairs and the hospital costs, and add some extra??

What ???
What should A do?

Treasure Hunt Questions

History: Moz did a treasure hunt, more because it sounded fun, and it ended in Melaka (which sounded fun, and sounded like a lot of food too). My team had a lot of fun - lots of jabs, banter, the occassional near argument and in the end, a very good laugh too =)

Of course, it DID not help that Moz initially told everyone to take it easy and have fun, but instead, turned out to be the most competitive person around !!

We ended 7th out of 28 teams taking part, and we could have ended 5th had we been a little more experienced. Anyways, my friends made me put up the questions, since some are about to go on a Hunt of their own, and most are simply curious.

Just remember that the objectives of these questions are simply to guide you to look for a signboard / business name or an establishment of any sort. On their own, these questions mean little, since you have to find the answers within a given section of the Treasure Hunt, as guided by tulips, a separate instruction sheet which gives very precise road directions, and indicate the sections where answers should appear.

So, here comes the questions. Feel free to attempt the answers ... I'll publish them in a separate entry on a later date. Leave a comment, or if you feel paiseh, you can also email me at mozillamonster [at] gmail [dot] com.

1. A peranakan turned into a Swedish singing group.
2. Prescription using tea leaves?
3. First Singapore Air Force before uncertain arrival.
4. 12" makes a shot that can be styled here.
5. Hair stylist popular in the past, still found at this place.
6. Money found next to place with plenty of water.
7. As EMAS change to gold probably the answer will be clear.
8. Power protester.
9. Cover with plenty of oil.
10. Something that shines, but here not at night.
11. Staple food that turns into a light weapon used by Luke Skywalker.
12. Steady Honda model.
13. Straits Settlement male and female in food business.
14. Al, a local brain hidden before success.
15. A warrior's small business.
16. Cops shelter.
17. Education institution for male metal?
18. PM's weight?
19. Find the company that has ray in time.
20. Shocking company ran by dignitary?
21. A favorite for vehical can be cleaned here.
22. 'W' needed for classy well known German car.
23. It all happens in China in two years time.
24. Nevada town for getting together.
25. This town's flower.
26. Building with broken ATM.
27. Silver dressing.
28. Make a record with a short road at the end.
29. Where troubled airline vehicle does clean up?
30. A concern dealing with moments to chat.
31. A shark's breakfast outlet?
32. Some ear problems can make men sad.
33. Dough from backward European Union made here.
34. Scandal in Nixon era?
35. "Ragnarok Online" clearly seen on this board.
    

Wokay, those are the questions, each worth 3 points. Have fun !! Work is going to be swamping me the next few days, maybe you'll have some fun cracking this between this blog entry and the next one ... and please, if you are really serious, get some minyak angin handy.