yes, i am old now

yes, i'm officially old. i'm 29-fucking-years-old now. not today, on 31 august 2005. my birthday is my country's national day.

what a landmark. i feel every bone in my body creaking. every time i fall, i might need hip replacement surgery. and if i don't start to play chinese chequers daily, i'll soon loose all my mental faculties.

i started working early, when i'm 21, so i didn't appreciate the experiences that life can throw at you that will toughen you up and build your character. you know, they say what don't break you will make you stronger. uh, not always true.

29-fucking-years-old, and none the wiser. my family thinks i'm doing decently at work. my friends think i'm pretty successful at what i'm doing. my colleagues happen to think i have brighter days ahead. what do they know? i'm actually still struggling to find my own way around ... i still don't know what i want.

i'm not sure if i'll plod along in life and soak up the whole journey and not care if i don't find what i want. after all, life's supposed to be a journey, not a destination, right? what do the people who say that know?

i'm actually desperate to know my reason for being, my calling, my destiny. i want to know what the hell am i supposed to be doing here anyways? am i a small cog in a gigantic wheel? am i a big fish in a small pond? what the hell am i?

shit, i'm thinking all these things, and i'm just 29-fucking-years-old. most folks my age will be trying to figure out how to buy a house, a car or that shiny 2 carat wedding ring. i actually don't care about those things. i want to walk the path less travelled.

i want to life an interesting life. one that is full of discovery and surprises. one with adventure. yeah, right, maybe i should be a national geographic photographer. :-) ... that's something i can do :-)

maybe i can be a treasure hunter. imagine all the industry contacts you'll have - lara croft and indiana jones. i'll bet i can make some guys jealous just by having coffee with lara croft at starbucks.

maybe i can be a sailor. yes, you've got it - a woman at each port of call. problem with that is all that time i'll have to spend with my hand between ports.

maybe i can be a fireman. i used to wear my potty on my head and run around the house putting out imaginary fires when i was young.

maybe i can be he-man, master of the universe. perks of the job will include very casual working attire and shiny sword. and of course, you might become guest speaker at the annual super heroes conference.

heck, as far as job is concerned, the practical chinese guy in me is saying that a desk job is just fine. the boy in me wants to break free from the confines of the office cubical, the glass ceiling and the corporate rat race. maybe i'll find out in the times to come, maybe i'll plod along until i find my true calling.

***

i keep saying it's not important, but for some reason, deep down inside, it appears like some nerve, gene or something in me is pleading for miss right to appear. can't explain that.

actually, it's not all that important to me. i don't have a target or timeline to meet miss right. i've never rushed things like these since it's going to be one of those decisions that will stick around for a long time. and believe me, it's unfair to the girl too if you rush things thru. the girl deserves the security of love and caring, and ought to be cherished for life. the guy needs to be very sure he'll be sticking around here thru thick and thin, and that he won't be burdened, come what may. i'll let things be, and i''m kinda sure in due time, she'll turn up.

to my buddies who always ask me why i'm so nonchalant about this whole thing, here's what i have to say:

you can't grow these things - otherwise the us people will be trying to create gmo love. you can't buy these things, otherwise, the happiest people in the world would be all those middle east oil tycoons. you can't compromise these things too, because the hurt will be twice the initial ecstasy. i'll stick to my own pace, and i'll love myself in the meantime. you know, that's not a bad thing to do.

***

shit, it's really late and i've still got a stack of claims i want to do. catch up later.