08 February 2006

Valentine's Day Gifts I DON'T Want

It's February again. It's that time of the year when men cringe, women get hopeful, and retailers the world over rejoice. Spring arrives in the northern hemisphere, retailers the world over awaits with bated breath. Valentine's Day cometh.

For the soft toy manufacturers, it's time to make up for the Christmas shortfall. For snobbish restaurant owners, it's time to double the charges and clear the cheap house wine. For florists the world over, it's time to sell off all those roses that would have not been selling the rest of the year. For online retailers with goods that just won't sell ... it's time to mark 'em all as Valentine Gift Ideas and sell 'em to desperate people.

While I know it's nothing but a celebration of crass commercialization and an opportunity to make up for a whole year's neglect and lack of romance, there are just some gifts I don't think I'll ever want to get for Valentine's Day. Ever.

I was surfing yesterday night when I came across these online Valentine's gift peddlers with strange ideas. No kidding - click on the pics to open the pages. These are either Valentine gift ideas or Valentine gifts people received. No kidding !!!

If you love me. Or love yourself. Or love anything good in life. Don't. Get. These. Valentine's. Presents. To. Anyone. Ever.

Battery Jump Starter. Your honey comes home, tired from working his butt off trying to save enough to impress your mum so that she'll finally let you marry him. And what do you get him in return? Why of course, a battery jump starter !!! Clamp the positive receptacle onto his right hand, and the negative receptacle onto this left one. Then power it on !!! See him recharged !!

Oi ... no need lah. This gift is probably more appropriate when presented on Father's Day. Or when he gets fitted with a pacemaker after he seen the bills in the aftermath of the wedding reception. Don't give this out on Valentine's Day.

Adopt a cockroach. She had a tough day. Her boss had been all over her today. Her colleagues didn't help either - they all gossiped about your low-paying salary, and the fact you're still taking a bus to work. And her dad called to remind her about her sister's millionaire boyfriend. Imagine her surprise when she gets home to find a trail of rose petals leading her from the door to her bathroom .... where a hissing cockroach awaits her.

If your idea of a Valentine's Day involves her throwing cutleries, plates, bowls, vases, etc. in your direction, this is probably a perfect gift. The pink hues of your bruises will remind you weeks after Valentine's of your special celebration of love.

Mr T's "Be Somebody ... Or Be Somebody's Fool" Video. Forget about renting 'Ghost' or 'The English Patient'. What are they good for when you have ... Mr. T's Videos. If she had been having one of those weeks when everything seems to be painted in hues of blue - the bills are still unpaid, the fridge is empty, the last meal you had together was in 7-11 at the microwave oven and the landlord has been knocking down your door, here's something to cheer her up - Mr T style !!

I don't need to be an expert to predict you'll spend forever separated from her following this romantic video. Even if you are out of videos to rent, you'd probably fare a lot better if you rented an episode of Fear Factor. Really.

The Goomba's Book Of Love. This is a good one. He's really exhausted from his overseas trip. It had been good, and he's happy to have achieved his objectives. He looked forward to seeing you at the fancy restaurant he booked months ago - on Valentine's Day. He put on his best clothes, sprays on that new perfume he bought at the Duty Free shops, and picks up the bouquet of 99 roses flown in from Colombia.

Imagine his happiness when he unwraps your gift to him... Goomba's Book Of Love ... You really think he'll be happy? I won't be. If it has to be a book, get something like Karma Sutra guides, tips for love making, that sort of thing. If you insist on giving this to him, may I suggest a cheaper alternative ... the Yellow Pages or your local phone directory. It's probably more exciting, really.

A gift certificate from a Quilt making shop. I know people often say it's the thought that matters. I agree. But what are you really thinking when you give a gift certificate from a quilt shop? "Er ... your existing quilt stinks so bad you need a new one 'cause nothing humanity has invented so far will get rid of that odour .. ?". I forsee a Valentine's Day spent alone, with only your quilt for company.

A spinning Jenny? A spindel? Whatever it is, I don't get it. And I don't want to get it.

He Man and the Masters Of the Universe, Season 1 Vol 2 DVD. If you're in love with someone who actually is happy and contented to receive this for Valentine's Day, lemme guess ... you're 9 and your partner is 10, right? If so, consider the more romantic options - Papa Smurf's Love Guide, Gummi Bear Pink Book of Love and the Pink Panther's Pink Meltdown. Young people are falling in love at increasingly young age, aren't they?

Trappist Preserve Jams. Made by Trappist Monks
at St. Joseph's Abbey in Spencer, Mass. She told you not to get her chocolates - it's a violation of her diet. She won't go to a fancy dinner too, since they serve all these red meat and cholesterol laden 'love' dishes. So what do you do?

Why of course, you buy her a loaf of organic whole meal bread and a set of Trappist Preserves. Not your normal marmalades/jams/preserves - these are holy ones made by monks. Wither your hope for a sweet aftermath ...
Russian - Spanish - English talking dictionary. I really don't know what to say. They are throwing in a 10 language travel translator for Valentine's Day. Can't resist the great offer ... although I really don't need to know any Russian or Spanish. Maybe if your man is a football player from Spain playing in the English Premier League in a team owned by a Russian Oil Tycoon, and has colleagues from 10 different countries?

And this one ... Heart Shaped Pine Cheeseboard. Let me guess, if the target market is Malaysia, this probably would have been a wooden cutting block, the ones you see at chicken rice shops. If your woman enjoys cutting cheese, and you want to remind her of you every time she slices her cheese, this is perfect.

But things could backfire. What if she uses it as a chopping block when she discovers you have been two timing? (What she chops off depends on the severity of your offence lah).

:) I guess there are alternatives after all if the chocolate-underwear-soft toy-roses-dinner combination sound boring. But please, for the love of all things good in life, don't consider any of them for me.

Any other strange / unusual Valentine's Day ideas ?


angel said...

so, moz moz...*lemak voice* lol...

wat would u WANT as a Valentine's Day gift?

angel said...

oh, and i'll send u the list of what i want, okay? muahahaha!

moz monster said...

i very cleber ... i'm flying to Beijing on valentine's day ... avoiding all the hassle ... :)

cheng sim said...

hahaha =)
u guys shld celebrate Vday when u had the chance.
unlike me, i nvr celebrate it with a guy before. nvr evr evr.

then again, the worst Vday present wld have to be a pacifier! a celeb got tht one from her bf during Vday.

moz monster said...

cheng sim: Vday is a novelty. Anyways, done properly, everyday is a Vday.

The worst Vday present I ever got was a phone call explaining why she couldn't turn up =(

moz monster said...

angel: Buy me 10 of these shares... and make me weally happy ... *muaks*